Existential Thoughts of a Giant Whose Fingernail is the Resting Place of an Entire Universe
Every day I put off cutting my nail only means that when I inevitably do, the annihilation of whole universes will be that much more substantial.
Tag: Health
How Kleenex Developed Its Most Extreme Tissue: Chipotle Explosion
Your regular tissue box might wet your grandma's panties, but that cardboard facade couldn't begin to contain the Chipotle Explosion, our most intense tissue ever.
This Old House and Her Old Hedges
I could not bear the thought of the work required to keep my hedges looking as trim and inviting as all of those hedges my husband had bookmarked and shared with me online.
I’m the “Him” From the “Trainers HATE Him” Ads, and I’m Sorry
I must confess: I'm the "him" that personal trainers hate from all those ads. I stumbled upon a simple trick to cruise past weightlifting plateaus and gain 42 pounds of muscle in just one month.
If I’m Going to Donate My Body to Your Medical School, Please Don’t Let Anyone Laugh at My Dead Penis
I've always wanted to donate my body to something greater than myself. But I need assurance that my penis will not be the subject of any sort of entertainment or fun.
Tao of a Lowlife: A Message from the Guy Who Still Lives in Your Hometown
It frustrates you to know I get laid more than you. I have chicken legs and a cartoonish beer belly. I have a hooknose and my eyes are a bit too close together.
You Won’t Need Healthcare for Long, Trust Me
No sense in paying all this money for Obamacare when the end is near. Expensive, too expensive, when we're all going to die anyway. You should love the AHCA.
The Pros and Cons of Allowing Horses to Become Doctors
Should horses be allowed to practice medicine? Here is a quick cost-benefit analysis.
Fat Pieces of Shit are Making Us Fatties Look Bad
Dear Donald Trump and other fat pieces of shit. You're making the rest of us fatties look bad. Stop it.
I Am Perineum
I am Perineum, collector of moisture and bringer of grief—assailant to love and cunning puppeteer of adolescent boys.
It Must Be Nice Having the Job Security That Comes With Acting
Compared to investment banking, my colleagues tell me acting is almost completely recession-proof. People will buy tickets to shows even if they don't have the money to buy them!
How to Not Be Okay with Your Body at a German Spa
People are staring at each other, unblinkingly, completely nude. No turning away politely, just unabashedly staring. Why are we doing this? Why on earth are we here?