Tao of a Lowlife: A Message from the Guy Who Still Lives in Your Hometown
It frustrates you to know I get laid more than you. I have chicken legs and a cartoonish beer belly. I have a hooknose and my eyes are a bit too close together.
Tag: Health
You Won’t Need Healthcare for Long, Trust Me
No sense in paying all this money for Obamacare when the end is near. Expensive, too expensive, when we're all going to die anyway. You should love the AHCA.
The Pros and Cons of Allowing Horses to Become Doctors
Should horses be allowed to practice medicine? Here is a quick cost-benefit analysis.
Fat Pieces of Shit are Making Us Fatties Look Bad
Dear Donald Trump and other fat pieces of shit. You're making the rest of us fatties look bad. Stop it.
I Am Perineum
I am Perineum, collector of moisture and bringer of grief—assailant to love and cunning puppeteer of adolescent boys.
It Must Be Nice Having the Job Security That Comes With Acting
Compared to investment banking, my colleagues tell me acting is almost completely recession-proof. People will buy tickets to shows even if they don't have the money to buy them!
How to Not Be Okay with Your Body at a German Spa
People are staring at each other, unblinkingly, completely nude. No turning away politely, just unabashedly staring. Why are we doing this? Why on earth are we here?
A Shit So Big You Need to Call Your Mom
We’ve all been there, sitting on the toilet, ass bleeding, thinking, “Why me? What the hell did I do/eat to deserve this?”
The Real Reason Why You Absolutely Must Cover Your Mouth When You Yawn
I'll lay it down for you real quick: the secret reason why you need to cover your mouth when you yawn is a spooky, ghoulish man named Poppin' Pete.
8 Planets With the Strangest Methods of Sexual Reproduction
Eight planets and the actual forms of reproduction by their inhabitants, verified as authentic by Scientology Monthly and USA Today.
I’m Totally Against Abortion, Except in Cases of Ugly Women
We all know abortion is wrong. Bad. But sometimes the mother is so disgusting and fat from being pregnant, we really don't want that baby.
Cause Bracelets are Out of Control: Here’s How to Fix Them
There are now 18 different colored bracelets that represent 139 different problems. Even Jay-Z can't rap about that much confusion.