“Those Aren’t My Jarred Feces”
Now that tampons aren't allowed in the Texas Senate, here is how I imagine the conversation went when a bag inspector lifted a jar of poo from a citizen's purse.
Tag: Health
5 Reasons It’s Your Parents’ Fault You’re Fat
If the conditions that make you fat or skinny, exercise-addict or couch-potato, can be traced back to conditions out of your control, then who's fault is it? Your parents'.
How to Know If Your Neighbor is a Psychopath
Have you ever wanted to burn your neighbor's fucking house down? Here's how you can tell if you have to worry about one of them doing the same.
What to Expect From Your Fat Stoner Roommate
Fat stoners are funny in stoner comedies and in line at Taco Bell, but they aren't good roommates. Here's what to expect if you make the terrible decision to live with one.
Stent Removal: The Worst Pain Your Penis Will Ever Endure
The average male has no idea that a stent removal will be the most painful, emotionally scarring experience in their life. All the best to you and your penis, sir.
Living With Glaucoma: What to Expect From Your First Marijuana Treatment
After consuming your marijuana or other THC-laced product, find a comfortable seat in your residence and prepare for a flood of serotonin.
Three Shitty Products Masquerading as Food
When I think of food, I don't think of a rectangular chunk that looks like a gargoyle with a square asshole shit it out. Or a meal that looks like a bunch of scabs swimming in a puddle of whale semen.
So You Pooped Your Pants: 7 Steps to Cleaning Up
Unfortunately for you, your underpants (if you're wearing them), and those around you (if there are people around), you just shat yourself. Don't worry, we've all been there before.
Half Cuban, 100% White
I'm a halfie: my mother is Cuban and my father is American. I'm not brown, I'm not white… I'm fucking khaki. And it sucks. Here's why.
Quarterlife Auto-Immune Syndrome
Jeff walks me around his car, his hands tucked in his pockets, examining the vehicle with a detached vigilance, searching for the source of his troubles. Clearly, it goes beyond the car itself.
The Genitals of the Future
<p><em>Today I have for you some comedy sloppy seconds. I submitted a piece to the comedy website McSweeney's, but I guess it wasn't pseudo-intellectual enough or whatever. Here it is, you be the judge. </em></p><p><strong>The Genitals of the Future<br />by Paul Frank</strong></p>
The Mini-Skirt Squirts
If you think dining hall grub smells bad freshly cooked, imagine a girl, in a mini-skirt, in the middle of class, in the middle of the row, who just shit herself.