I’m the Person Ahead of You in Line to Order Food
I see that people are putting the so-called food into their mouths. Can you tell me what that's like? How does it feel when it's inside your mouth?
Tag: Hell
Amazon Delivery Options Based on Number of Likes on Jeff Bezos’ Cat’s Instagram Posts
501-1000 likes: Your package will be delivered by dedicated Piper Cub and guarded en route by a contingent of off-duty Allstate Security agents.
Hair Loss Got You Down? Try the Mountain Hermit Cure
Where are all the people who keep saying you look like Dr. Evil? Who cares! You have to survive a -40 degree blizzard by finding a cave to sleep in!
RE: The Restless Dead Haunting the Office
Could we reschedule our 3:00? A rift between this world and the next has opened in the conference room, and we can’t hear client calls over the endless torture of the damned.
My Boyfriend Left Me for a Girl Who Sings Sensual Covers of Alternative Rock Songs on YouTube
Things got worse after I said my favorite R.E.M. song was “Shiny Happy People.” He got so angry that I thought his slim body was going to overheat.
Man Delivery Kits for the Single Lady
Finally a solution to your social single anxiety! "Bacchus’ Mission" delivers a man in a tiny vessel that you can toss in your freezer until a party.
One Scintillating Detail You Can Share With Your Date About Each of the Books On Your Bookshelf That You Haven’t Actually Read
What do we mean when we say that we’ve “read a book?” Do we mean that we've purchased the book, never cracked it, and had forgotten it existed?
Master Template for Every Championship Sports Interview Ever Given
"I set a goal [NUMBER OF YEARS THE TEAM HAS BEEN TERRIBLE] ago and I was determined to give it [CLICHÉ FROM MOTIVATIONAL KITTEN CALENDAR]."
“Excuse Me, Can Any Fellow Emails in This Spam Folder Direct Me to the Inbox, Please?”
“Am I in the spam folder? I gotta get out of here.” “WARNING: YOUR HOUSE IS INFESTED WITH HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA.”
I Tried Cryotherapy and Now I’m a Stone Cold Bitch
Bonjour, Karen who sits next to me at work. I know how much you judge me for eating peanut butter out of the jar with a fork during lunch.
Optimize Your Originality by Copying Famous Creatives’ Daily Habits
Immanuel Kant (1724-1804): Awoken by spousal uppercut at 6:30, the philosopher began an impressive washing regimen; Kant felt his mind was sharpened by pouring pitchers of cold water over himself.
God Puts “Religion” Up for Review
We revised the concept of “eternal damnation” and suggest referring to it as “be cool bro."