Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge?
I’ve been on the lookout for the swirling cloud of evil that must constantly follow you, and I keep my nose up to catch a stench of this wickedness.
Tag: Hell
Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization!
You almost get your revolver out fast enough to subdue James Bond, and show everyone that experience counts more than a dearth of love handles.
Letters Home From a World War One Fuck Boy
Apparently, we were supposed to defend against an incoming force. But what were we supposed to do, not go party? Saturdays are for the boys!
My Declaration of Independence From This Conversation
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all conversations are not created equal; that some are boring as hell and a complete waste of time.
Republicans Deliver Thoughts and Prayers
From: Mike Pence Gracious Lord White Jesus, thank you for Chick-Fil-A. A family-friendly chicken restaurant that never uses the word “brea*t.”
Things That Used to Be Fun in High School, But Aren’t Anymore
In order to experience that again, I had to erase my first kiss. I tracked down any record or indication that Julie Wexler ever walked the Earth.
Warnings About My Small Town From a Local Intellectual
Don't go to church on Sunday? You might as well be drinking abortions out of a fancy wine glass made of Reagan’s bones.
Where the Hell are All the Snowmen?
Every snowstorm, I was out in my front yard. That is your duty as a child in America. These snowflakes need to buck up and make a fucking snowman.
Things @fuckjerry Stole From Me
@fuckjerry even went back to my high school, played "Riff" in "West Side Story," and used all my ad libs just to twist the knife.
The Best Fyre Festival Content Coming Out in 2019
"Fyre Fight": An anticipatory look back at the time-wasting Fyre Fest content wars of 2019.
The Alphabet, Ranked
10. U: Used by moms in texts across the world. And candy hearts. And Prince. I love Prince. I would die 4 U.
Escape Rooms for Adults
"Senior": You’re over 70 and must get your pills organized in that little plastic box with the SMTWTFS lids.