The Weekend Diary Entry of a MAGA Teen
Did I mention my mom only gave me a hundred bucks in spending cash? She might as well have handed me Monopoly money. That’s just bad planning.
Did I mention my mom only gave me a hundred bucks in spending cash? She might as well have handed me Monopoly money. That’s just bad planning.
If you're at a loss for words upon finding the body of your waiter, Miguel, hanging from a meat hook, try to avoid asking obvious questions.
Let this dry skin mask sit for 30 minutes while you contemplate why everyone else's bully peaked in high school but Claire is now an Instagram celeb.
What kind of monster doesn’t enjoy flannel? As blue gingham is to spring and summer, flannel is to your fall and winter Tinder photos.
3) What did you get Aunt Peggy for Christmas? a. A big box of steering clear. b. Well, she would have wanted me to get myself something nice.
Lemon Water (8:25 AM): This is lemon water do you copy?! We have reached the epicenter of your gut.
10:00 AM --- Drink a latte and brainstorm ways to mix up this week’s photoshoots. Order some motor oil in bulk, in case hair gel “isn’t weird enough.”
Wetland restoration is about creating a clean, oxygen-rich pit so that a seven-headed behemoth might emerge from its depths and enslave us all.
“My heart hasn’t really been into scaring him lately, he’s such a good kid, and I was getting pretty bored down there. So I bought the phone."
Unfortunately, as you know, I want to rub my penis on everything in sight. I'm like 85% of men in show business: I'm a monster.
Visual Processing (1/20th of a Second): Jeff Bezos will register a piece of visual information, sending it up the ocular pathway to the brain.
Honestly, rediscovering Instagram after dying and reanimating as the insatiable undead has really put me in touch with my humanity again.