Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not Be Cancelled
Sanders graduated from Transylvania University with honors in Afro-Caribbean Studies, Women and Sexuality Studies, and Herbalism ‘n’ Spicesism.
Tag: History
Democracy Dies in Darkness (Including in the Shadow of our Paywall)
We used to be doing all right financially, but we just blew our last 5 million dollars on a Superbowl ad during the most boring Superbowl in history.
My Week as an Assistant to Andy Warhol During the “Oxidation” Series
Wednesday: After pissing out 6 cups of coffee, 8 cups of orange juice, and a bottle of Gatorade, I collapsed in a state of near catatonia.
Ponce de León: I Only Want to Find the Fountain of Youth to Enjoy the “Kids Eat Free on Wednesdays” Deal At My Favorite Restaurant
Conquistadors have an old saying: discovering a place makes you that place’s Mom/Dad. Why should Florida’s Dad have to pay $14 for his favorite meal?
My Declaration of Independence From This Conversation
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all conversations are not created equal; that some are boring as hell and a complete waste of time.
This Year’s Best Picture Nominees Ranked by How Much My Son Resents My New Girlfriend
When my girlfriend tried to talk with my son, he kept referring to her as “replacement mommy” while jumping up and down pretending to be Peter Rabbit.
I Invented a Time Machine and, No, I Can’t Kill Hitler
It’s made to sound like I would rather keep my time machine than kill Hitler, but it’s not a question of choosing between the two.
What to Do When Your Second-Grader Brings Home Bad Artwork
Now that you’ve sufficiently tortured your sweet angel for the past hour, make him watch as you make your own macaroni artwork.
You Won’t Believe the Names of Charles Dickens’ Top Five Male Porn Stars
A live sex show performer, Thack Pour typically festooned his lithe body with corsets and cummerbunds of various sizes and quality.
Victorian Courtship Etiquette That I, A Millennial Male, Am In Favor of Rekindling
Going for a Chaperoned Walk: Change this to a Chaperoned Bike Ride. I build fixed-gear bikes for disadvantaged seeing-eye dogs in my spare time.
Lin Manuel Miranda Said He’d Kill My Family If I Didn’t Inspire You This Morning
“Love is love is love Fun is fun is fun Wake up, stretch like a cat” Oh god. He’s taking out a knife.
A People’s History of My Failed Marriage
Power concedes nothing without demand, Janet. No longer will you say that I drank seven guitargaritas at the Tampa Hard Rock Hotel & then wet myself.