I’ve Traveled Back in Time to Be on the Forbes “30 Under 30”
With the last dregs of humanity, I became one of the lucky few to be invited into a reinforced bunker (along with my pal Mike, who is not as grateful).
Tag: History
The Best Outfit for Your Star Sign According to Your Puritan Astrologer
Aquarius: Who is morally frail? Thou art. Immoral thoughts cause your complexion to redden.
Judah Maccabee, M.D. — No, Not That Maccabee
If this is a medical emergency or if suspicious men are breaking into your place of worship, hang up and dial 911.
I’m Your Grandpa’s Old Box TV: Please Kill Me
I’ve seen the moon landing and twerking. It’s too much!
Welcome to Presidential Park, Where, Thanks to Our Dubious Understanding of Scientific Ethics, American History Comes to Life
Presidents are coming along nicely. I watched as a tiny Grover Cleveland push, push, pushed his way out of a synthetic eggshell.
The Six Complaints of the Ghost of President Chester A. Arthur
1. Every portrait makes me look like a Relief Pitcher for the 1974 Chicago White Sox.
Prometheus Thinks You’re Going a Little Overboard with Fire
Fire's just supposed to be a pretty thing you look at sometimes. Like a lava lamp, but it can kill you.
Now That I’ve Ascended to the Royal Throne, It’s Time We Got Back to Cutting Motherfuckers’ Heads Off
We’re living in a day and age where kids think they can trash talk a member of the Royal Family on Fortnite.
Clark Kent, We Have Updated Your Ancestry DNA Results!
Our new, improved algorithm now reports that you are: 99.9% not of the human genome <1% Pacific Islander
We, the Makers of Tapioca Pudding, Are Excited to Unveil Nothing New
Over our long history, we’ve made countless non-changes to our product, from refusing to add any flavor to churning out the same muddy texture.
Oscar Wilde Gets a Little Lost in the Sauce
He could tell at once that this luncheon’s company would be quite dull, which was always exciting.
Lyndon B. Johnson Addresses Congress Regarding John F. Kennedy Going Away to a Farm Upstate
It is sad, yes, but he is in a better place. I am told at the farm there is a little pond with some swans in it.