Holidays | Page 12 | Points in Case

Tag: Holidays

Dog: Thanksgiving took a while to understand, but I’ve got it now. It starts when you’re locked outside because no one can deal with you today.

We know that you usually visit for 3-5 days, but the safest option is for everyone to stay for the suggested quarantine period of at least two weeks.

Put simply, the new normal is the normal that is currently substituting what is actually normal by normal standards.

Let whiskey cook slowly until boil. Add reckless spoonfuls of cinnamon until brown haze floats over liquid like a haunted fart.

Candy Corn --- I may look like I’m relatively young, but I’m actually a centenarian trapped inside a younger body.

This would be my 32nd year trick-or-treating and my 22nd year trying to explain to my neighbors why I'm not too old to be doing so.

Here’s a funky, vintage suggestion: you could wear pants that close with a button at the top, rather than with an elastic waistband.

Our patented "Mega Explosion" technology will detonate into the shape of the Union Jack, then a middle finger, followed by the word “America.”

Strawberry Mayonnaise Daiquiris: Sounds terrible, right? The first few are, but I’m on my third one now and I can’t even taste them anymore.

As a real American bird, I’m going to get down on the ground and fight a sewer rat for half of a discarded Chalupa.

[BOOM BOOM] “U-S-A! U-S-A!” [BOOM] “Do you ever wonder what would happen if everyone got sick all at once, though? [BOOM] "What?"

Fatherhood brings out the best in a man. / Stepfatherhood brings gas station flowers.