My Family Calls Him “Old-Fashioned,” But I Just Call My Uncle “Racist”
I have lived my entire adult life as if I were born in 1813 England as a gentlemanly Port Warden. And yet my uncle is the one called “old-fashioned.”
Tag: Holidays
How a Work Trip to the Hallmark Christmas Universe Royally Fucked My Marriage
I apologize, she giggles and our shared weakness for Snickerdoodles suggests we will fall madly in love by Christmas. Her name is Lacey Sherbert.
What to Do if the Little Drummer Boy Shows Up at Your Local Maternity Ward
It's confusing that this boy thinks a drum solo is an appropriate gift for anyone---let alone an infant. That’s what makes him so dangerous.
Santa Claus Is Coming to Town– Oh God, Hide the Cookies! He’s Here!
Billy, look at your mother! Tell me you hid the Milanos with Dark Chocolate Filling! Oh, my child... How could you?
Are These Family Gifts Third-Party Seller Garbage, or Legit Holiday Treasure?
Was the Fanny Fay Fruit Cake Great Grandma Wrapped Up and Brought to Dinner from a bakery trash can or Fanny Fay Old Folks Home’s Charity Bake Sale?
A Practical Guide to Determining Who Drew Your Name for Secret Santa
We’ll start with an easy one here. Grandma probably didn’t understand the rules and went ahead and put her name on the package.
Should I Dump Him or Stay Because He’s Such a Great Gift Giver?
Marcus makes you miserable playing ultimate frisbee inside and then using his Frisbee as a plate, but are you willing to give up the incredible gifts.
Why My Girlfriend Should Consider Buying Chocolate Advent Calendars Again
I promise no more pretending the calendar’s a ventriloquist dummy with Jersey accent when I have my fingers inside Santa’s slot.
The First Baptist Church Christmas Eve Service 2019, Presented by Verizon Wireless
Believers, tonight I bring you good news of unlimited talk and text to the Creator of the universe, powered by America’s best 5G network.
How the Grinch Almost Stole the Christmas Shopping Season
Did signal his phone screen had fallen and cracked And thus with a shudder, he swallowed his pride And off to the Whovilleplex Mall did he ride
What to Get the Person Who Has Everything
The Multi-Millionaire: They have it all. The husband, the mansion, the coke addiction. What could you, their friend in low places, get them?
Christmas Brag Letter from Your Dickhead Neighbors, The Millers
Our eldest son, who fancies himself an art dealer of dick pics, has found his avocation stuffing pimentos into green olives. Someone's gotta do it.