So You’re Hiding From Your Family in the Bathroom During Thanksgiving
Yum, I hope that unfiltered tap water and internalized judgement from your mother tastes great!
Tag: Holidays
Birds of a Feather: Thanksgiving in the Midwest
You made it: to Southern Iowa, in an auction hall with chewing tobacco at each table, 25 second cousins running around in their cowboy boots.
Things I Would Rather Do at Thanksgiving Dinner Than Answer Questions About My Personal Life
Give a TED talk to my family titled "The Evolution of My Personal Blogs," except every time I would usually say “blog” I have to say “blerg.”
You are Cordially Invited to This Year’s Thanksgiving, Which My Son Will Be Filming to Expose the Sham of the Modern Family
To symbolize the risks one takes when they pledge loyalty based only on shared blood, one small razor blade will be hidden in the macaroni scramble.
I Am a Funny, Funny Book in a Barnes & Noble Display and I Want to Be With Your Niece
Let me guess: 21? Barnard student? Appears edgy at holidays, but how edgy? You wouldn't know. Perhaps... I can help.
The White House of Horrors: Release and Waiver of Liability and Risk Assumption Agreement
You assume liability for certain risks including overcooked steak, delusions of grandeur, eerily dwindling base support, and airborne spray tan.
Four Halloween Costumes That Let People Know You’re Totally Chill About Your More-Successful Sister Getting Into Yale
Dress up as a doctor, A BRAIN SURGEON even. Unlike Beth, you didn't need to take out hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loans to become one.
Why Should I, Someone Who Enjoys Putting Razor Blades in Halloween Candy, Have My Rights Trampled Upon Just Because of the Actions of a Few Bad Apples?
Why strip away the rights of people like me, a man in perfect mental health who wants to shove a razor blade into a Pecan Chunky purely for kicks?
Gift Ideas to Help Republican Grandparents Bribe Their Grandkids into Not Hating Them for Dooming Humanity
A skateboard is cool. No need for safety gear, either. You obviously don’t give a shit what happens to your grandkids, so a helmet would be confusing.
6 Ways to Sneeze Exclusively for Attention This Fall
That classic ah-choo is so familiar sounding. That choo-choo that comes from toy trains you used to have as a child? Now that’s a cute time.
Escape Rooms Inspired By My Mother-in-Law
Can you stop this off-key, off-off-off-Broadway show before the woman who says you aren’t good enough for her son plugs in her karaoke machine?
Your #MeToo “Apology” for Yom Kippur Has Been Rejected
If your apology statement ends with a pastry recipe, please expect an automatic rejection. Do not include a recipe for pizza dough cinnamon rolls.