20 Signs You May Be Dealing with Trick-or-Treaters Who Are a Little Too Old for This Shit
"Why, back in my day, we had to walk 50 miles through the snow just to get gruel and hardtack. Got any medical appliances?"
Tag: Holidays
5 Halloween Costumes That Say “I’m Fun, and Not Gonna Accidentally Start a Fire This Year”
This year you need to wear a costume that shows off your fun-loving personality while also assuring everyone you won't accidentally set an antique table on fire again.
An Open Letter to My Neighbors Who Insist on Hanging a Scary Clown Decoration from a Tree Over the Sidewalk Every October
I'm not going to say that the clown is FRIGHTENING, since I'm an adult and being afraid of a Halloween decoration would be silly. But take it down, ok?
4 Ways to Make Childhood Friend Reunions More Bearable
Why is it that hanging out with your childhood best friend now feels like small-talking with the lady at the supermarket who complains about her allergies?
I Don’t Know How Else to Say This Kids, But Your Mom and I Need to Divorce You
Kids, there is never a good time to say this, but since it's Father's Day and you're both standing here without rolling your eyes for once, I guess now is good enough: we're divorcing you.
The Perfect Mother’s Day Bath Gift Basket to Make Up for the Disappointment You Have Become
Nothing says "thank you for sacrificing your hopes and dreams" like a mass-produced basket that's 80% tissue paper filling. It's what your mom would have wanted. She always puts you first!
I Found Love at Darren G.’s Radioactive Wasteland, Southern New Jersey’s #4 Haunted Attraction
For me, a guy with mainstream sexual compulsions, the love of my life showed up where I least expected it: inside a rusty dumpster loaded with 1,000 gallons of syrupy green goo.
There is No Santa: A Retraction to “Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus”
Indeed there is no Santa Claus, and we can definitively say it would be impossible for one man to visit all the children in the world in one night.
What Women Really Want on Valentine’s Day
Valentine's Day seduction tips so that one day she may say, “Yes.” From someone who has never been in a relationship (for obvious reasons).
‘Twas the Night Before Inauguration
The coffers were hung by Big Business with care, in hopes that St. Donald Trump soon would be there.
Things I’m Looking Forward to in 2017
It's a brand new year and we can finally put all that BS behind us... unless you're David Bowie, Prince, George Michael, or Carrie Fisher.
The Five Stages of Shitty Balinese Tattoo Grief
One short series of poor vacation decisions later, and you ended up with a new shoulder dragon friend for life.