12 Things to Assure Your Seasonal Holiday Depression Kicks In
Remember, every log you place on the fire would undoubtedly be screaming if it had a voice.
Tag: Holidays
How to Reconcile Your Anti-Semitism With Your Love for Jesus Christ, King of the Jews
Many anti-Semites are also God-fearing Christians, whose savior is Jesus Christ. So how can they make peace between despising Jews and worshipping one?
North Pole CDC Report: 13 Worst Reindeer STDs
Any reindeer that have seen graphic photos of the horrific effects of Red Nose Waffle or Silver Balls know it's nothing to mess with.
5 Christmas Gifts to Get Your Beloved Without Violating the Restraining Order
The gifts that will bring you closer to that special loved one, even when you have to be 500 feet apart.
I’m Regifting These Turtle Doves and You Know Why
What's the big deal with doves? They're not exactly the monarchy of the bird community. In fact, they're just bleached pigeons.
Animals Santa Considered Replacing Reindeer With
Santa considered a handful of alternate sleigh-pullers before settling on those magic horned beasts. Here are the 13 losers.
Merry Fucking Christmas to All From the Millers!
Another eventful year has passed and the Millers are feeling SO BLESSED despite the fact that we are all agnostics or atheists.
Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer (Not That You Care, Grandpa)
The undertones are more disturbing than a simple Christmas accident: Grandpa and the rest of the family took out Grandma deliberately.
6 Recipes to Land Some Potluck Peen
Single this holiday season? Feeling lonely beside your no-bake marshmallow casserole at the last friendsgiving? Peep these recipes!
10 Ways to Use the Holidays to Harness the Power You Can’t Get From Your Horrible Job
A holiday party is the perfect opportunity to quiet your anxiety and self-loathing by making others say "How does she do it?!"
14 Signs Your Thanksgiving Turkey Should Seek Professional Help
Screams from oven heard: "I can still feel my toes! Turn it up to 900, you bitch! Come, sweet release of hellfire!"
Five Things I’m Looking Forward to in 2016
In 2016, at least we'll know Donald Trump has been defeated, Star Wars will live on, and I'll live on without Panera and Starbucks every day.