Reindeer Farts are Melting the North Pole (And Other Intimate Confessions from Santa)
150 years of the expectation of delivering gifts to billions of children every year has turned Santa into a dick. Here's what he confessed to me.
Tag: Holidays
How Much Denim is Appropriate for the Holidays?
While you're sipping the sugary egg nectar known as "nog," take a moment to look down below your torso. What type of textile is trimming your thighs? Thought so.
The Atheist Club’s First Annual Christmas-Themed Christmas Party
Past Christmas parties by the house church had themes such as "Dinner" and "Watching Netflix," but this year the theme is... *drumroll* "Christmas"!
Do They Know It’s Christmas on the Moon?
Everyone knows this song helped eradicate hunger in Africa, which is why there are no hungry people there now, but did you know it also cures Ebola... and intelligence?!
How Christmas Provoked My Dad’s First F Word in Front of Us
My dad cashed his F word chip in around my brothers and me with a salty, heartfelt "MOTHER FUCKER." All because he didn't know how to use a handsaw.
Your 3-Step Recipe for Ruining Thanksgiving
Your job this year is to ruin Thanksgiving for everybody. Here are three simple steps to accomplish that: complain, criticize, and be aloof.
5 Thanksgiving Traditions You Can’t Avoid
Face it, what is Thanksgiving without the ritual night-before Wild Turkey blackout, chafed thighs following turkey overindulgence, and terrible children's artwork.
Your Five Empowering Halloween Imperatives
First, you're going to buy a pumpkin about the size of a keg of beer, and smash it on your patio. Then you're going to the library for follow-up Halloween exercises.
Five Things I’m Looking Forward to in 2014
Five things I’m looking forward to in 2014, aka “The International Year of Family Farming, Crystallography and Small Island Developing States.”
The Joy of Santa Casey
"I know it is Christmas Eve, but you would be going to kindergarten dressed as Santa Claus," my boss Sunny said. I accepted in an instant, and never regretted it.
Santa Baby, I’m a Materialistic Whore
What we've got here is Madonna, singing in a little girl voice to what could only be construed as her dad, dressed up as Santa. Or in other words, "GROSS, DUDE."
The 5 Stages of Going Home for Thanksgiving
If you're in the same sinking ship I like to call the "S.S. Thanksgiving Return," then here are the five stages you'll probably endure on your way to the gravy boat.