January’s Poor Performance Will No Longer Be Tolerated
The Ethics Committee has taken notice of how January has benefitted from gym memberships, weight loss medications, and black-eyed peas sales for decades.
Tag: Holidays
Ten New Year’s Resolutions from a People Pleaser… Unless Ten Is Too Many, I Can Do Five Instead, It’s Really No Trouble
I resolve to say "No" more often to things like babysitting around the clock for my friends.
New Year’s Resolutions with Enough Wiggle Room to Ensure Keeping Them
I will run a mile every morning… but if my knee is acting up, I will walk instead… unless it’s raining, of course… or even drizzling...
Holiday Quiz from Your Favorite Auntie Who Is Secretly Plotting against Your Mother
3. List the toys/gifts/cash you received from family members other than Auntie Abigail. (Because this auntie can top whatever you got.)
Trivia About “It’s a Wonderful Life” (1946)
After leaving his wife and stumbling out of a piano bar, George Bailey drives into a tree. Or as it’s also known, “The Billy Joel Trifecta.”
Neil Degrasse Tyson Ruins “The Night Before Christmas”
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse, Although millions of microscopic mites which live in the pores of the skin will be out to feast
Christmas Songs Detailing the Sordid Saga of Santa’s Elfskin Boots
(Hark! The Herald Angels Sing) Hush! Santa will hear our plotting, He’s gone mad, brain is rotting. We should organize a coup, Before he makes new boots from you.
Cease-and-Desist Letters from Hasbro to Santa
As for the incalculable diminished commercial value you have caused us in previous years, we are willing to settle for a one-time $8 billion settlement.
How to Wrap Your Gifts to Make It Look Like You Spent Time Thinking of What to Buy
Strategic Rips and Tears in the Packaging: Claim that the present must have gotten damaged in transit due to it being shipped from a far-away exotic place, like Hartford.
Hallmark Holiday Movies Rejected for Being Too California
This is where she bumps into rakishly handsome high school sweetheart Rattlesnake, whose cannabis farm has fallen on hard times.
A Gift Basket Is So Much More than Focaccia Crisps and a Beef Log
Just think, someone close to you took the easy way out and gifted you small quantities of randomly selected unappealing snacks.
Gifts from a Childhood Friend That Hint at Long Simmering Resentments
A hammock. Hanna, you know a hammock is a death trap because you laughed hysterically when I fell out of one in 7th grade at Trevor’s birthday party.