All I Want for Christmas Is a Norse Pagan Scorn-Pole
I’ve been silently scorning them for years and I’m ready to take it up a notch—with a decapitated horse head and powerful pagan curses.
Tag: Holidays
Mrs. Claus Serves Santa Divorce Papers
At 1,559 years old, I’m not getting any younger. And a woman has to do what she can to make it through this cold, ice-hard world.
‘Tis the Season to Eat a Whole Lot of Snow!
Isn't it beautiful? Doesn't it make you want to grab your snow-spoon and scoop as much as you can up into your mouth?
The True and Indisputable Meaning of Christmas
Remember the true meaning of the holiday: Getting some $15 shit from Target and being done with it.
Capitalistic Names for Every Day of the Holiday Season
Dec. 2: Gas Station Thursday Dec. 3: Tweet-Storming About Inflation Friday Dec. 4: Belated Turkey Carcass Composting Saturday
New Rules to Turn Our Annual Whamageddon Game Up a Notch This Year!
If you hear Wham!’s “Last Christmas” at Trader Joe’s, stop shopping immediately and guzzle a 32 oz. carton of eggnog. Post #Whamanogageddon!
Common Misspellings of Hanukkah, in Context
- Hebrewka falls so early this year. - Harmonica, the Festival of Lights.
Nobody’s Ever Thankful for Me, the Folding Chair from the Spare Room Closet
I’ve seen more get-togethers than Uncle Harold, may he rest in peace. He sat his ample frame on me dozens of times. His bum was one of the good ones.
Global Supply Chain Issues Have Not Spared This Year’s Thanksgiving Menu
Apple pie is still on! Flour is in high demand and low availability, so we will have to make do with some sort of potato-based crust.
LSAT Logic Problems for Every American’s Thanksgiving
Uncle Roger and cousin Lucy disagree about whether: A. JFK Jr. came back to life and is living in cousin Lucy’s shed. B. The war on Christmas starts the day after Thanksgiving.
Are You Assembling an IKEA Dining Room Set or Cooking a Thanksgiving Turkey for the First Time?
6. You cannot begin to fathom what you’re supposed to do with the assortment of random parts in the inner pouch.
Choose Your Own Adventure: Holiday Uncle Edition
Conspiracy Theorist Uncle: You’re the King of “doing your own research,” so you don’t have time to throw the ball around with your nephews.