If These Walls Could Talk, They’d Be Pretty Annoying
If these walls could talk, they'd talk incessantly about themselves while never asking you any questions about yourself.
Tag: Houses
A Guided Meditation for Moving Out of Your Walk-up Apartment
Take a few breaths, now a few more breaths. Are you really wheezing already? That was only the second trip to the U-Haul.
We, the Birds of NYC, Demand an End to the Birdhousing Crisis
Every year we live in fear of predatory rent hikes by turkey vulture-owned management companies.
Good Luck Trying to Penetrate My Exurban Lair, Mr. Bond
The residences you’ll pass along the way, while not precisely identical, are nonetheless completely indistinguishable.
Welcome to My House, from Which I’ve Removed All Trace of How I Live
Put it on this coat rack, where all of my coats are. Is that because I regularly put my coats on the coat rack, rather than strewing them on the floor?
If You’re Gonna Haunt My House, You’re Gonna Haunt by My Rules
And your little ghost friends? They can’t spend the night. All of you swirling around in a big circle above the roof.
Congratulations on Your Invitation to Duel to the Death for Our Beautiful Home
We’ll enforce basic duel-to-death etiquette, which basically seems to mean making sure one party dies (Hamilton is available on Disney+, by the way).
Oh, No, I Just Remembered I Left the Front Door Unlocked and the House on Fire
I feel like such an idiot. How many times did I tell myself, “make sure you turn off the lights, lock the front door, and put out the grease fire."
An Open Letter to the Hermit Crab Who Made My Apartment His Shell While I Was Away
I cannot help but feel like the law is on the side of the cold-blooded decapods of this world who travel willy-nilly from shell to shell.
Dear Landlord: I Cannot Be Held Responsible for the Coyote-Shaped Hole in the Wall
In this instance, the coyote was blasted through said wall following a violent explosion of his own devising.
I Know Times Are Tough, So I’m Generously Reducing the Rent for the Crawlspace Under My House
Ope, watch your head there. Cam likes to go in feet-first, but I prefer lying on my side and sliding in with my hands like a walrus.
Advice for Dealing with the Stranger (Nicolas Cage?) Living in Your Walls
Install a shower in there so he’s not hogging your family’s only bathroom while you sleep. His hair is always getting clogged in the drain.