Attention Tenants: The Water Will Be Shut off Tomorrow from 8-10 and Also I Can Hear You Having Sex
Not to be a prude, but when you’re loud late at night it keeps me awake when I’m trying to sleep.
Tag: Houses
Neighbor, I See Your Little Watering Hose and Raise You This Mighty Power-Washing Wand
At 8 PM on Thursday, my basketball hoop is going to look brand-spanking new. I don’t have to care about your family or your kids.
McDonald’s Menu Items Ranked by How Effective They Were at Giving Me the Nutrients I Needed to Break into Ronald McDonald’s Mansion and Try On His Clothes
A 30-Inch Footprint That I Touched and Then Tasted So I Could Begin Tracking Ronald: Without it, I wouldn’t have been able to murmur, “He’s near…”
I’m a Dog Architect, and Here’s Why Your Whole House Should Be Windows
With your current design, there’s no way to know if someone is approaching. I don’t think a homeowner should ever put himself in a situation like that.
You Think Your Year Was Bad? The Peach I’ve Been Living In for Over 20 Years Just Rotted
“James, how did it get to this point?” I don’t know. I noticed some mold a while back, but nothing more aggressive than the average moist home.
Welcome “Vogue” to This Mansion That I Own!
I love how the natural light comes through the house. It gives whoever wants to break in a little sneak peek of what they’re missing you know?
I Am the Sticky Brown Kitchen Cabinets and All the Other Bad Choices Landlords Make with Their Rental Properties
Not only are my kitchen cabinets sticky and brown, but they contain condos for giant cockroaches who never pay HOA dues.
I’m That Fixer-Upper House in an Up-and-Coming Neighborhood, But Beware, I’ve Seen a Lot of Orgies
I used to have 30-45 people in me at once and not a bit of noise bothered the neighbors. Hey! That’s another thing: I’m very noise-proof!
Washing Dishes with Edgar Allen Poe
Attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom in the sink basin.
I’m a Superhero Who Saved the World Twice, and I Still Can’t Get a Bank Loan
All that changed when a (unnamed for legal purposes) billionaire “superhero” with no powers showed up and asked me to join his superhero team.
I Am Your House, and Renovating Me Again Won’t Fix You
Home Depot can sell you a mirror, but they can't make you see yourself. I've had plenty of time to think while you were crying over "Property Brothers."
GoFundMe Profile: Help Me Live My Life Before I’m Forced to Get a Job by Mom
That’s me wearing the torn NASA t-shirt on my favorite couch. I uploaded this photo to show I’m a typical 39-year-old living in his Mom’s garage.