How about some credit for processing all invoices while my boss lectured me on "eating too many microwaved oyster and pastrami sandwiches at work"?
Who could possibly resist the siren song of a factory-farmed chicken breast wedged between two nondescript slices of bread? Plus a pickle?!
When did you know you were diversity? What do you know about the lack of equal opportunity at our company?
When a teen in New Mexico had trouble concentrating in class due to hunger, her teachers managed to buy her six months’ worth of Adderall! Wow!
Cover letters ARE required. But we will not be reading them. Never read a cover letter. This will only complicate your decision-making process.
Dear Joan, I looked up your name on LinkedIn---because that’s how much I care about this job. I seriously need you to hire me.
“Yo, it’s me: the brand-new condo that sits on the same lot that rent-controlled housing used to be on."
Finally, you can be the cafeteria worker whose job it is to take lunches away from elementary schoolers who forget to bring their lunch money.
Are able to pay today? No? That seems crazy to us, because money falls out of the sky and everybody wins the lottery at least twice a year.
Seth Meyers: "Lorne and his cavalry cast a weighted net over me and dragged me away on a dirt road. I knew my life was about to change forever."
Students are not to ask the Steve Jobs hologram any questions pertaining to how much he actually did at Apple as opposed to the engineers.
Don't go to church on Sunday? You might as well be drinking abortions out of a fancy wine glass made of Reagan’s bones.