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Now I know smart car person phrases like, “you can tell the water pump is going out when you press the radio button and water squirts out.”

"But look after I beat the display game, I found my kid and bought an entire shelf of Legos out of guilt. Okay?" ---Victor Andrade (Wichita, KS)

The swivel chair’s flying across the room, its arc through the air a simple yet astute critique of warming global temperatures.

Even though I am pursuing a stable career in human resources, please remember that I will always be your emotionally underdeveloped and insecure son.

You're a 31-year-old seventh grader living with the love of your life, and you're so unemployed it hurts. These tricks will keep your partner at bay.

I saw my own reflection on the screen of my computer and I was reminded of the oath I took when I accepted this job at Uber.

Between all the traveling and assassinating, it can be hard to focus on yourself as a hitman. What to do with yourself in retirement?

The man who started out in a brief cameo appearance has quickly become a series regular in my life, and things are getting weird.

Sorry for barging into your casting office, but I believe you're making a huge mistake. Dare I say it, a monumental casting blunder.

So you're interested in a career in ghost hunting, huh? You should know that the cameras will capture everything, so acting is important.

If room 237 needed to be checked-in on (as it always seemed to) but I wasn't really feelin' it, I just wouldn’t do it, and nobody ever got mad.

Remember, confusion is at the heart of everything we do here - we call it the Confusion Paradigm©. Without it, we are nothing.