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Thanks to you, our novel species of intelligent beings may roam these brown leather lands and pray to the red flannel ass above.

May: The Memento effect begins to set in as the temperature starts to go up. You start to hear people say things like "Winter wasn’t even that bad."

Superman, now able to construct luxury buildings in a single bound, becomes the most powerful contributor to Metropolis’s rampant gentrification.

Here at Barb’s, we think big. We think brutal. We think volume-discounted wholesale gladiola bulbs.

During the ten-minute break between sessions, line up your children's stuffed animals in a giant single-file line leading directly to the bathroom.

Forgot I ate three cans of soup (Tuscan white bean, if you were wondering) last night and also decided to get rid of my old tambourine collection.

Your parents’ casual acquaintances, who they always promise to make plans with but never do. Your parents’ parents, if they’re like, still around.

It's truly killing me that our family's goals for next year don't seem to include your position and your services will no longer be needed here.

Press mute on unsettling thoughts like this by turning up the volume on a new pair of Beats by Dr. Dre.

Seriously, I cannot keep having these sales, because the last guy just bought a bajillion mattresses and we had no idea what to do with them.

A gap year will help to make me the man I want to be. Unless you are planning to hire me, in which case: STOP READING. GIVE ME THE JOB.

“Yo! You must be the new year!?” said 2020, seeming to come out of nowhere. “Welcome to Calendar Corp."