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"When was the last time you worked?" Well, technically, as the Messiah, I am always working. But as a carpenter, I worked about three months ago.

A slew of multiple-choice questions that are, at best, only tangentially related to your actual performance or knowledge in a professional capacity.

“Chris,” I said, as a family of five wiped their shoes on his face. “What’re you doing here?” “Muhughuh,” he said, spitting out a piece of dogshit.

Are you happy with the cleanliness of your carpets even with an assistant that doesn’t ask visitors to wipe their feet when they come in?

The experience of being diagnosed with a serious condition that causes me to pass out a lot has turned me into a natural leader.

It's like you knew the key to my heart was a deep appreciation for long naked walks on the beach and Adobe Creative Suite.

Our great nation was built on the backs of people just like me: MBAs who got their jobs through their dad’s business connections.

1. Did you work? Answer YES if you worked during the week, engaged in emotional labor, or if you sat up in and/or got out of bed.

$10 - I make old jeans fit again. I’m not supposed to allow this, but for $11 this may apply to booty shorts as well.

You too would like to manage the front desk of a dilapidated alcohol peddler who mostly sells Malibu rum to teenagers with fake IDs.

I plan to hit the ground running, and then run some more, and then more, then hit a wall, and then puke on your open laptop.

Living the past 16 years as the solitary Snapple left in the "Friends" fridge, I cherish what I have, even if it’s only the royalties from reruns.