Dispatches from the Great Thermostat War
We prevailed! We, whose skins are sensitive to the winds that whip through the lobby when goddamn Liam doesn’t shut the door—marched into battle.
Tag: Legal
Bob Mueller Can’t Tell Anybody He Completed “Twisted Metal 2” in Record Time
I really can't tell anybody this part but I doubt I will ever feel a pride as strong as when I watched Minion explode in front of Mr. Grimm's bike.
The Trump Steaks Government Shutdown Special
There’s never been a better time to get our signature cuts of Flank, lower case T-Bone, Z-Bone, Subprime, Sphincter, Roadkill, and, of course, Okja.
I, The Lovable Prankster of My House, Have Been Asked to Move Out for Some Reason
They just don’t seem to realize that, in a prank-war, these things just happen. It's no one’s fault, and nothing anyone should get in trouble for.
How My Wife Improved Robert Frost’s Most Famous Poem
Helen, Please call me Kenn. I spoke to my wife about the "situation." I feel like the least I can do is let you know what happened.
An Amazon Warehouse Worker’s Year-In-Review Analytics
Suicides contemplated: 24 That’s 2 better than last year. Thank God we re-installed the AC. AMZN Note: EMPLOYEES WHO COMMIT SUICIDE WILL BE TERMINATED
A Few Changes Re: “End of Year” Which is No Longer the “Holiday Season”
There are numerous holidays, and some of us will be spending December 25 at a TGI Fridays while their soon to be ex-wife blows the retirement fund.
GPS Lite: The Navigation System That Doesn’t Know Where You’re Going
Wondered what it would be like to get directions from that one friend who’s confident they know where you’re going but “could be a few blocks off”?
It Appears Your 2018 Ballot Has Erroneously Been Cast for Gritty, The Mascot of the Philadelphia Flyers
These events are particularly disturbing given that we do not know Gritty's political party, nor is he a resident of the state of Texas.
Humiliating: When Asked What I Wanted for My Last Meal, I Panicked and Said “Yo-Yo’s”
I thought that I was the king of murders that helped me achieve a sense of fulfillment, but it turns out I’m actually the king of awkward.
[Title Blocked Until You Pledge To My Patreon]
Yes, I sold ad space at the end of that paragraph. Yes, I know that the end of the first paragraph is traditionally where the humorous premise goes.
I Have a Guy for Everything
I drink cheap, too! I’ve got a really generous guy who works as a bartender and he’ll usually pour me a few rounds for free, after I’ve encouraged him to have 7 or 8 himself.