Entries from a Journal I Think Will Be Read by Other People
I called both my parents to tell them that I loved them, then I drove exactly 5 MPH above the speed limit to work.
Tag: Lies
Fool Me Once, Shame on You, Fool Me Twenty Times and That’s a Situation
Fool me three times, there’s a little bit of shame to go around here. Admittedly, maybe I should have caught on to your character by now.
We Have Reached the Summit of Our 6-Mile Hike and Behold: Trees!
On this side, perhaps a breathtaking view of a rugged mountain range soaring up majestically in the distance? Nope, just trees.
The Moments When I Realized My Dates Were a Bunch of Spiders in a Trench Coat
“I was intrigued by the mention of fly fishing on your profile. I like fly fishing too!” “Wow! Let me show you a picture of this fish I caught.” “Fish?”
Follow-Up Questions About Your Answer to the Security Question “Who Was Your Childhood Best Friend?”
PARTIALLY CORRECT. Trapper Keepers were rad. However, Krista never “shared” one with you.
Bullshit Candle Scents We’d Still Buy
Take a deep breath, relax, and let the current of "Ocean River Stream" carry you to notes of Mediterranean sex butter and unwashed ambrosia.
How to Wrap Your Gifts to Make It Look Like You Spent Time Thinking of What to Buy
Strategic Rips and Tears in the Packaging: Claim that the present must have gotten damaged in transit due to it being shipped from a far-away exotic place, like Hartford.
A Template for Confessing Your Infidelity and/or Announcing You Are the New Pope
I think we can all agree: it is odd how a single (accidental text message / vote with my fellow Cardinals) can change the course of history
What Your Astrological Sign Says About You (Behind Your Back)
Taurus sun is grounded and earthy. I did hear it spreading a rumor that you lied about meeting Joey Fatone though.
I Told My Mom I Was Timothée Chalamet and We’ve Never Been Closer
Suddenly, I was all she could talk about: “He’s been compared to a modern-day Brando, you know,” I overheard her telling her sister on the phone.
5 Ways to Forget Your Ex by Redecorating
A common bedroom reno tip is to take a fancy trash can—like that gaudy, twisting, fuchsia disaster that Rachel bought—and flip it upside-down.
Most Insightful Quotes from Mark Twain That I Have Falsely Attributed to Him
"How smart can this so-called Smartwater be if it allowed itself to get trapped in a bottle like that?" —The Twainster