Opening Statement from Congressional Conservatives Following Historic Tax Bill Approval
Good afternoon, America! We've recently learned that humor is the best way to break bad news. Good thing the new tax bill is great news!
Tag: Lies
Son, You’re Going to Have to Tell Me More About This Guy You Saw Mommy Kissing Underneath the Mistletoe Last Night
First of all, son, I'm not angry with you for peeking downstairs. I just want you to tell Daddy more about the man you saw Mommy kissing, okay?
9 Perfect Holiday Gifts for the Trump Supporter in Your Life
Essential gifts for the hard-to-shop-for, not-so-subtle racists, and people who still want to talk about "the emails" in your life.
Is Your “Improv Team” Actually an Alt-Right Men’s Group?
Does your "improv team" go by a cute-ish, possibly pun-based name like "Nutz and Boltz," "Bad Uncle Jimmy," or "The Proud Boys"?
How to Survive a Midlife Crisis
Are you having a midlife crisis? If so, just relax, take a deep breath, and use this list of positive strategies to help you get through it.
Travel Advice from Someone Who Totally Went to Africa
Before planning your trip to Africa, consider the advice of someone who has been there many times and is totally not making stuff up based on movies.
Wanted: Young, Female Assistant for Totally Normal Stuff
While there are many Craigslist jobs out there, this one is unique because it pays well and guarantees you will not be bludgeoned to death during a pagan sacrifice.
Things Said to Be Said by Scientists Not Representative of Things Scientists Say, Say Scientists
In a recent study performed by scientists, 96% of scientists said that the things scientists are said to have said do not represent the full spectrum of things scientists say.
Don’t Underestimate Me, I’m an Absolute Madman
"I CAN'T DO THIS! I'M NOT A HERO!" I screamed, but then I turned around and looked into the eyes of a nation of adorable, hairless little Pygmies who believed in me.
What the Dogs in the Sarah McLachlan Commercial Really Think
Every so often, abused dogs invade your television screen soundtracked by Sarah McLachlan's ubiquitous "In the Arms of an Angel." These are their stories.
The Haters and Losers Forget I Defeated ISIS in 30 Days
Haters and losers, folks, haters and losers. So many stupid people, ignoring the facts. Don't even remember I got rid of ISIS in my first 30 days.
Top 5 Books to Pretend You’ve Read
Minimal effort to appear as smart as possible to your coworkers, fellow cigarette smokers at a party, parents, and strangers’ cats.