“The Toys Are Sleeping” and Other Lies I Tell My Toddler
"The cat is sleeping right now. Use your quiet voice." / He’s not, but he’s 107 in people years. Stop screaming in his face.
Tag: Lies
Suggested Organizations for End-of-Year Charitable Tax Donations
Wounded Keyboard Warrior Project – Provides ergonomic computer interfaces for patriots injured in online political arguments.
Merch from Elite Colleges I Did Not Attend
My Princeton hoodie, whose drawstrings are connected to my arms, so if you pull them you can turn me into your personal puppet.
What I Imagine Happens in the Books I Tell People I’m Reading
Becoming by Michelle Obama - A brief history of the bureaucratic red tape Michelle had to jump through to change her last name from Robinson.
How to Deny Basic Facts
Alternative facts are just as good as regular facts. Better, even, because the only limit is your imagination!
An Oil Lobbyist Debunks “Clean Air Is Good” and Other Lies You’ve Been Told
If there’s not enough pollution in the air to do serious damage to your lungs, doctors will suddenly find themselves out of work.
Introduction to Disguising a Fart in Public
Redirect the Attention. Infiltrate the Distraction. And Proceed as if Nothing Has Happened. Together, they form a useful pneumonic: RIP.
A North Jersey Mob Boss Holds a Zoom Meeting About “Legitimate Business”
If anyone’s screen-sharing with a cop, it won’t be long until you’re keeping six feet away from the living. Screen-sharers are dead to me.
20 Excuses for Getting Out of Looking at the Body at a Funeral
I think I just saw Grandma's ghost! She’s headed towards the Applebee's down the street. I should follow her just to make sure she gets a booth.
How to Compliment a Finance Bro so You Can Secure Half and Leave in Three Years
"If your prognostication about a pending recession proves true, I have faith you’ll be among the few who can still afford bottle service."
My Name Is Old MacDonald and I Had More Than a Farm, I Had a Family
First there was a cluck-cluck here, then a cluck-cluck there, but soon my nightmares were filled with the cooings and cawings of the foulest fowl.
Which Unqualified Doctor Said It? Pandemic Edition
"The virus's signature blend of 23 flavors is truly unique, which is why it was clearly made in a Chinese military lab." -Dr. Pepper