Reasons Why I Didn’t Come To Your Improv Show
I went back in time and it was there that Lin-Manuel asked me to help him with his play Hamlet or something that starts with the letter H.
Tag: Lies
I’m the World’s Deadliest Assassin But Also a Virgin By Choice
I believe in one form of penetration -- my knife stabbing. I believe in one form of protection --killing anyone who knows my true identity.
Dispatches from the Great Thermostat War
We prevailed! We, whose skins are sensitive to the winds that whip through the lobby when goddamn Liam doesn’t shut the door—marched into battle.
The Wall Leaves a Series of Voicemails for President Trump
I get it. You're not really interested in me. I'm just an object you can show off to your friends. "Ooh look, I'm Donald Trump and I have a big wall!"
I Just Found Out My Hot Gay Boyfriend Is Also My Twin Brother
I felt for the first time that I was seeing myself through someone else's eyes, but it turns out it was because I was seeing my twin brother.
How My Wife Improved Robert Frost’s Most Famous Poem
Helen, Please call me Kenn. I spoke to my wife about the "situation." I feel like the least I can do is let you know what happened.
Seasonal Treats to Destroy Your Enemies, From the Belvedere Family Cookbook
Peppermint Razor Bark (p. 194): The easiest and most economical recipe, this sweet is great for either a time-sensitive soirée or a mass sabotage.
A Skeptic’s Guide to an “Enlightening” Family Christmas
6. Hold Your Family’s Feet to the Fires of Capitalism --- Santa Claus? A soulless creation of Coca-Cola to help them hock a sugary beverage.
5 Reasons Why the Donner Party was Better Than Your Birthday Party
The Donner Party was a journey unlike any other in history. The best part is, they did the whole thing without fake crying or vlogging once.
I’m a Tiny Earthquake and I’m Sick of Being Objectified By the Richter Scale
I am a strong, independent, intraplate earthquake with good near-field vertical ground motions. I don’t need a bunch of tools telling me my worth.
How to Let Your Child Know You’re Not Mad She Wants to Be an English Major, Just Disappointed
When she says she'll study “lesbian themes in Dickinson,” raise your eyebrows to remind her “your brother studied computer science and has a 401K.”
ICE-breakers: Fun Games for Agents and Immigrant Children
Someone might say, “Never have I ever abandoned families at a bus station right before a hurricane!” and you would drink since you've done that.