I’m the Tennis Ball Attached to an Old Man’s Walker
At the very least, I thought I’d live out my days being volleyed over some net in a park by people who considered themselves moderate exercisers.
Tag: Life
It’s Hard Being a Barbarian Hero in Downtown Manhattan
“Your plight reached me on LinkedIn: the posting spoke of your lamentation, of your need for a Client Data and Management Information Co-Ordinator!”
Just Thought We Should Catch Up! And Maybe See if You’re Satisfied with Your Current Financial Advisor
Been married a couple of times---but don't worry, I'm a free man again! And I guess the main thing is that I started working at Odysseus Financial.
6 Worst Places for Your Wife to Remind You She Is Leaving to Be in a Polyamorous Relationship with the Pep Boys
The process of picking one menu item reminded your wife of how she did not have to pick just one Pep Boy, since they are all polyamorous.
I’m Your Winter Cough and I’m Tired of Playing Second Fiddle to That Asshat Sneeze
Sneeze gets his own salutation but what do I get? Nada. Someone sneezes and everyone pulls a muscle trying to be the first to offer a “God bless you.”
I Am a Character in a Dystopian Novel, and I Think Your World Kind of Sucks
To be fair, at least you know your “vote” counts as much as everyone else’s, whereas in our system---Wait, the electoral what?!
I’m a Crosley Record Player
Every day that my knob is turned, I wheeze, I cough, calling out for help, but they can’t hear me scream over their thrifted Bob Dylan record.
Do You Want to Marry Him or Do You Just Want His Mother to Ruin the Next 25 Years of Your Life?
You hope to start a family because... A) You want to have babies with him. B) You want to raise your children under her shadow government.
Please Hire Me to Be Your Gatsby Party’s Nick Carraway
In a corner with a martini covering 75% of my face, I can weave an intricate tapestry of all the backroom drama unfolding behind closed doors.
Where Are They Now: Characters from Alanis Morissette’s “Ironic”
The couple that endured Rain On Their Wedding Day realized mid-Hawaiian-honeymoon that they never discussed having children.
Democratic Politicians Narrate “Moby Dick”
Bernie Sanders: Call me whatever name you want. At the end of the day, I am the only sailor who has the guts to fight for real change on this ship.
An Ode to the Lost Week
Maybe you’ve returned to your normal life and are back at work, arriving to a ghost town at 10 AM, taking a two-hour lunch, and leaving by 3 PM.