A Relationship Advice Column for Anthropomorphic Trains
Recently my partner, a 1991 Diesel, has started abruptly switching tracks during our intimate time. What do I do?
Tag: Life
The Top 5 Online Masters Programs for When You’ve Given Up on Your Dreams
Masters in Accounting: Think about how much fun you have filing your taxes every year and imagine getting to do that every day!
The New Adopt-a-Writer Program
Frederik (42, Breed: Poet (Non-Rhyming)) Frederik thinks he’s better than all the other writers at the shelter.
I’m Worried I’ll Never Get Around to Using All These Good Band Names
My dream came so close to fruition my senior year in college, when my roommate Jim and I started a “pop-thresh garage-inflected post-grunge” band.
Please Arrest My White Collar Criminal Friend as Gently as Possible
You must place him ever so sweetly on a bed of cotton balls if you’re going to be transporting him to be booked for his many, many financial crimes.
Don’t Forget: Everyone Moves At Their Own Pace But You Are Still Undeniably Behind
You can’t even invite people over to your disgusting apartment? Jorge has a beautiful apartment and he doesn’t share it with four “artists.”
New Weed Strains for Everyday Stress Relief
"Pinebrook Elementary Concert featuring Miss Doherty’s 3rd-grade choir singing a 2-hour rendition of The Pirates of Penzance" [THC: 34%]
I Was Going to Do Dry January But Then I Was Kidnapped by a Band of Pirates
I’m disappointed in myself for not finishing Dry January (and for raiding Tortuga), but now I have new friends and I learned how to load a powder keg.
The Galentine’s Day Massacre
Authorities surveying the emotional carnage claimed they had never before seen such an outpouring of weaponized kindness and aggressive friendship.
Survey: How Do You Feel About Being Black?
"For a long time, I didn't care. But now it's been six years since my last promotion, and that has me thinking." —Zachary Easton, Coder
The Internalized Fantasies of a Queer Latino-American Boy
“I’m not racist,” I say, laughing. “The first guy who sexually assaulted me was white.”
Patriotic Airlines Presents Mega-Patriot Credit Cards
In the event of a water landing, beneath your seat is a compartment that contains a credit card application in a waterproof pouch.