What Your Drink of Choice Says About You
Wheat Grass: You are health conscious and enjoy taste bud masochism. Scotch: You are a lawyer and you’ve been to 13% of your son’s baseball games.
Tag: Life
How to Play the Guitar for Morons
Let’s be honest, everyone wants to play the guitar. What you need are beginner guitar lessons from an undiscovered genius.
“It’s Only a Funeral” Dating Service
How awful is it to find someone you think is perfect, only to have them flake out the first time you encounter a tragedy?
How to Give a Stool Sample with Only 4-6 Emotional Breakdowns in 50 Easy Steps
28. Accidentally get poo on your fingers. 29. Question how humankind can get a person on the moon but can’t develop a less primitive way to procure stool samples.
Why Buy a New Car When You Can Still Cruise in Your High School Clunker?
Now I know smart car person phrases like, “you can tell the water pump is going out when you press the radio button and water squirts out.”
Yoga Helped Me Stop Fantasizing About Becoming a Worm and Nesting Inside Jeff’s Ear
VeganBeauty1998 Nation, never stop smiling, even when your mind twists your need for intimacy into reveries about lodging yourself into Jeff's ear.
How to Interpret Requests for Lawyer Animals
“Give me a lawyer penguin.” This suspect would like to be represented by Danny Devito’s Penguin from the classic Batman Returns.
The Worst Part About Aging is the Awful Birthday Cards
For those of us over 60, cards could say, “Congratulations on outwitting the grim reaper, keep up the good work!”
The Social Media Verification Badge, Rarest Pokemon of All
A master ball isn’t gonna do it, dumbass. It’s gonna take a brand sponsorship and widespread public interest in your day-to-day bullshit.
Dear Hiring Managers: Please Stop Asking About My Dark Past
You will recall laughing after I cautioned that I had once confessed to a priest only to watch him go straight to hell. I do not recall laughing.
Ways to Straight Up Chill with Your Homeboy, Even Though He’s Always Chasing a Cartoon Bird
At a certain point, your homeboy Wile E. must realize there's more to life than trying to murder some bird. Like chilling on a perfect afternoon.
A Healthy Guide for Dealing With Loneliness
Watching other people play video games on YouTube, crying, and masturbating hasn't helped you find anybody yet. So, what's the real problem?