If Paul Revere Was a Mathematician
Belphegor's prime if you feel the nation’s morals are lacking and perhaps we do need the firm hand of a monarch.
Tag: Lists
Rejected Muppets
Name: Dick Van Dyke Species: Jerk Physical Appearance: Tall and rude. Personality: Straight white man.
A Month-by-Month Guide to Your Baby’s First Existential Milestones
2 months: Reaches for objects despite knowing they will only end up possessing him in return
Things I Found on My Solo Trip, in Lieu of “Myself”
The achievement of seeing the “You’re all caught up!” message on Instagram. / Actually, make that three mosquitos in the shower.
Everything I’m Going to Do with My $3.32 Wells Fargo Cash Rewards
Add “new money” to my Instagram bio. / Start waving the way the Royals do.
An Average Sunday for Your Friend Who Speed Reads Everything as Imagined by Me, a Very Slow Reader
9:05 AM: Speed read The Divine Comedy in peripheral vision while sending text. Arrive. Leave.
Me Gurk, Stone-Age Man, Me Super Excited About New Year’s Resolutions
Take better care of skin. Already looking like middle-aged 17-year-old
Interview Questions Regarding Your Resumé Gap from the Time You Were Swallowed by a Crevasse in the Earth
"Sounds like a nightmare. Tell me all about it."
Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Bingo
“When we come back…The Rockettes will perform” (They won’t)
Who I Am Now That I Accidentally Ordered Myself Black Silk Bed Sheets
There is currently a Starburst-flavored C4 energy drink wedged underneath the brake pedal of my car.
Alternative Forms of Voter ID for Each State
North Carolina, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas — A bottle of your signature barbecue sauce (signature must be on bottle)
What the Office Supplies You Steal from Work Say About You
Paper Clips (Smooth Finish): You know the best jazz bars. Your turntable was designed by a Nasa engineer. You run marathons but don’t appear to sweat.