Itemized Police Budget Report for June 2020
Bespoke Tom Ford rapid response tactical outerwear - $475,000 / “Good cop, bad cop” improv lessons - $36,000 / Body camera software updates - $3.50
Tag: Lists
How to Torture Your Dad into Telling You What He Wants for Father’s Day
Surprise him by mowing the lawn. Devastate him by ignoring mowing best practices and race around in a pattern as erratic as his spiking heart rate.
Conversations I’d Rather Have Than the One Where We Talk About How Quarantine Has Made Us Lose Track of What Day It Is
The one where I try to explain to my conservative step-father who doesn’t see color that calling protestors "thugs" is racist.
7 Radically Different Things You Can Do Outside During a Pandemic
Strutting is like strolling but you're more posed and thoughtful. Pretend you're a woman in any 1950's film, that's strutting.
Pill Bottle Instructions for Unhinged Protagonist
DIRECTIONS: Take 2 tablets directly from bottle, and 3rd that spilled on rug. Take irregularly and at moments of peak stress.
Police Officer or Chipotle Employee?
Which of the following pieces of equipment can be carried off-duty by employees and even concealed? A) Avocado Masher B) SIG Sauer P320 Pistol
Revealed: A Therapist’s Notes after Meeting with Jesus
His dad is not here, but he says his dad is everywhere (denial?) / Continues to worry because he knows he's gonna die…. ok ok
How to Make a Pop-Tort
Remove your hot tart halves from the toaster. Do not use oven mitts or hand coverings. The tarts will be exceptionally brittle.
What People Are Saying Now, More Than Ever, During the Pandemic
Now, more than ever: people you’ve never been in contact with are saying, “There are still ways we can stay connected.”
Unabridged Hotel Towel Rules
A towel on another towel means, “These towels are having sex. Do not disturb. The mating dance of the hotel towel is delicate.”
31 Affirmations for Quarantine
I acknowledge that I can change my sweatpants if I want to or I can wear the same ones every day forever and only I have the power to choose.
Life in the 1820’s or Life in Your 20’s?
You have dreams of leaving your hometown for some far away place you can reinvent yourself, some wild and distant land like Minneapolis.