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The couple that endured Rain On Their Wedding Day realized mid-Hawaiian-honeymoon that they never discussed having children.

Don’t dwell on the minds you’ve violated in the past or plan to violate in the future. Focus on the minds you’re violating in the present.

Was the Fanny Fay Fruit Cake Great Grandma Wrapped Up and Brought to Dinner from a bakery trash can or Fanny Fay Old Folks Home’s Charity Bake Sale?

I promise no more pretending the calendar’s a ventriloquist dummy with Jersey accent when I have my fingers inside Santa’s slot.

Using the Instagram photos you got at the wedding, pick your poison: "does improv," "romantic photos with sibling," or "talks a lot about sneakers."

Flaky GPS will accidentally lead him to shithole town’s all too familiar old bar, where he'll bump into the one that got away.

I feel like you're not fully inhabiting the space here. / This does absolutely nothing for me. / Wait, it's not over yet?

No matter how sincerely you attempt to connect with them, they seem to live by the philosophy "treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen."

Since you just ate at Taco Bell, you might be interested in knowing you are 8 minutes from home, which is where your toilet is. Traffic is clear.

No-Homojito - Muddle the fuck out of some sugar, a mint sprig, and a gay lime. Add light rum as a top and dark rum as a bottom.

Through charismatic storytelling many began to follow us. We paid them nothing, but we did feed them.

2011: The Year We Lost Contact When Rupert Murdoch Blocked Alien Transmission with a Private Satellite and Claimed Worldwide Redistribution Rights.