Writers, Please Avoid Using the Following Forbidden Literary Devices
Gallegory: Everything in a story represents something else, but only for the ladies. Men still have to read it literally.
Tag: Lists
20 New Year’s Resolutions to Try While You Wait for the Adderall Shortage to End
Add More Variety to Your Diet: You’ve either forgotten to eat or had eight meals today. Both count.
Answers to All of the Questions Asked by the Little Girl Sitting Behind Me at Last Night’s Performance of “The Marriage of Figaro”
OK—technically you didn’t ask this, but no, you’re not supposed to sing along.
“Kiss Me, I’m Irish” T-Shirts for Those with Partial Ancestry
Go on two dates with me that seem to go well, but then inexplicably ghost me, I’m half Irish
The Budget for My Big-Budget Movie
Water (for reference): $0.89/gal Water (digital): $9,132/gal
Line a Plucky Supporting Character Might Say in a ’90s Movie About an Underdog Sports Team, or Lottery Slogan?
You can’t win if you don’t play. Don’t let the big one get away!
A Comprehensive List of Places I Don’t Want to Go
- A dairy farm (allergic to cows) - Siberia (too cold, no McDonald’s)
What the New Netflix Plans Will Get You
$9.99/month: Standard package for those living standard lives. Those living substandard lives will be overwhelmed.
Penalty Kick Alternatives to Determine the Winner of a Tie During a World Cup Match
The country leaders play a game of thumb war in front of the entire world. The losing country loses more than just a World Cup match.
Tired of Demure, Uptight Christmas Nuts? You Need Emeton’s Loose Nuts This Holiday Season
Emeton's Loose Nuts are meatier, more sensuous, more lissome, bustier, than those ordinary strait-laced nuts.
Every Single Website’s Holiday Gift Guide for Dad
A profoundly boring pair of plaid PJs ($499.78)
The People Who Will Beat You in the Thanksgiving Half Marathon for Which You’ve Trained for Months
- A nine-year-old who will be upset later that there’s no gravy for his potato volcano