The Apple Store Customer Satisfaction Survey
We weren’t even at the Genius Bar, and he mispronounced my common name, saying it over and over again, unaware that this meant I was being summoned.
Tag: Men
I Am an ICE Guard and I Sleep Very Well Through My Night Terrors, Thank You
Knowing that I did my part to separate a four-year-old from his mother with no plan or intent to reunite them, I can nod off shortly after vomiting.
Welcome to Camp Sunshine! Please Read Our 2019 Camp Policies
Camp Sunshine opens its doors at 8:55 every morning. Please drive carefully because although we have 125 campers, we only have 11 legal parking spots.
Who Wrote It? Immanuel Kant or Gary Gygax?
Everyone talks about Kant and Gygax without bothering to read them and their writing styles are very similar.
Keanu Reeves and the Argument for Simulation Theory
It was now blindingly obvious that this convergence of Keanu was more than just happenstance.
Hostage Emails From My Brother’s Kidnappers
I want to complement the kidnappers’ willingness to take down all of Larry’s dictation. That’s very considerate for kidnappers. He’s lucky.
This Fleece Vest is the Only Thing That Warms My Cold Capitalist Heart
I am dead-frozen inside, and this fleece vest is the only thing that holds my cold capitalist heart at a temperature resembling warm-blooded life.
Open Letter to the Other Dad at the PTA Meeting with a World’s Best Dad Coffee Mug
ROUND 2: We will re-enact Alice Cooper's “School's Out for Summer” video shot for shot. Contestants may borrow as many eye-liner pencils as they need.
I Am a Dad in a Kohl’s Father’s Day Ad
I’m smiling so big because I can’t wait to bite into these steaks. Just kidding! I’m a vegetarian but that doesn’t poll well with our target audience.
Important Tips for Creating and Managing Your Dad’s Orgasm After Telling Him You Opened a Roth IRA
Give your dad the gift of a Roth IRA orgasm for Father's Day without having to label it incest.
You Shall Call Me “Dear Leader”
I shall return triumphant—and in my best Dockers and newest Crocs—exactly as the Great Destiny has deemed it to be.
A Heartfelt Thank-You to the Robocall That Told Me About the Outstanding Warrant for My Arrest
Now that I’m safely in hiding and have murdered more people, I wanted to thank you, the robot who is responsible for me still being on the streets.