Your #MeToo “Apology” for Yom Kippur Has Been Rejected
If your apology statement ends with a pastry recipe, please expect an automatic rejection. Do not include a recipe for pizza dough cinnamon rolls.
Tag: Men
A Massive Storm is Barreling Down on my Family and Conversation with Them Has Never Been Easier
This storm has brought my brother out of the bomb shelter to face his family to then grab them and bring them back into the bomb shelter.
I Read Your Guidelines, But I’m Submitting This Piece That Clearly Isn’t a Fit for Your Publication Because, Well, Just Read It and You’ll See Why
It's basically the best thing since Gravity's Rainbow. Think of it sort of as Infinite Jest but more like Pirates of the Caribbean and with robots.
You’re Upset I Broke Into Your House and Stole a Bunch of Your Shit—Don’t Worry, I’m Donating Everything to Goodwill
And yes, before you ask, this is the best I could come up with---I mean, what was supposed to do? Not break into your house and steal a bunch of shit?
I’m the Pharaoh of This House and Therefore Must Be Buried in My Man-Cave
Supposedly, the journey to the after-life is long. And so, I’ll need my grill and some prime-ass steaks for the long ride.
Everything I Have Fantasized About Doing If I Ever Finish “Infinite Jest”
15. Regretting having wasted time and energy on what was pretty much what you would expect a 1,079-page novel written by a white guy in 1996 to be.
Apolitical Questions the Senate Judiciary Committee Members Wish They Could Ask Supreme Court Nominees
Is there a Supreme Court bowling team called “Divided Court-United Ballers?” If not, why?
“Mission: Impossible Fallout” Fails to Fully Capture My Experience of Life as a White Man
I’m worried about the young white boy who watches this movie and doesn’t realize there’s pleasure in riding a helicopter that doesn’t entail gunfire.
Old MacDonald Had a Bitcoin Mining Farm
And on that farm he had an FBI raid, mostly lawyers and tech nerds obsessing over Lloyd’s wind-powered mining ingenuity.
Want to Not Keep Score at This Game I’m Terrible At?
Let’s just relax and not keep score except in a silent and secretive manner that I will only publicize if I happen to be in the lead at hole 17.
Eulogy for Bernard “Bernie” Lomax
Yes, to the gentleman in the back who just loudly questioned if Bernie is really dead, I assure you he is. This is his funeral. I’m sorry.
Thank You, Rabbi, For Explaining Your Tattoos, But We’d Really Like to Keep Our Wedding Ceremony Brief
The anecdote of how you got the Sublime sun tattoo on your arm was, well, compelling, but my wife-to-be has never listened to "40 Oz. to Freedom."