10 Signs That You Are Not Watching the Movie “Gremlins” Right Now
5. You Are Not Watching Gremlins Right Now, Because You Are Too Busy Reenacting Scenes from the Film with Buckley, Your Friend & Butler
Tag: Men
How to Have a Happy Relationship Even Though You’re Not Dating Mister Rogers
Fred had a song for every occasion: feeling happy, excited, blue. He even called it, “feeling blue,” and not “oh, so you’re taking another nap today?”
If Bachelorette Contestants Were Burger King Menu Items
100% white meat between a mayonnaise-soaked bun, this Trump-supporter gets drunk off vodka cranberries and admits that he’s never met a black person.
Things We Learn About Han Solo in “Solo: A Star Wars Story”
Once, he drove the Millennium Falcon to McDonald’s, Google Maps said “Bon appetit!” and Han thought it was making fun of him so now he only uses Waze.
Assembly Instructions for a Bullshit Thing You Didn’t Need Anyway
Do not assemble in a wet location. Do not assemble at altitudes lower than two thousand (2000) miles below sea level. Do not assemble in a sea.
Terms and Conditions for the Use of This Software
We reserve the right to reserve the very best table at the most expensive restaurant in your surrounding area and to charge it to your credit card.
Realistic Financial Goals By Age 35
Relationships are about one thing, and one thing only: affordable housing. Find someone who doesn’t smell too bad and lock it down.
God Sends Hate Mail to Mike Pence
As a result of that whole "free will" blunder, any direct divine intervention is off the table. We did, however, agree to a compromise arrangement.
Important Change to Your Amazing Prime Membership
We are, however, committed to making you feel like you are a premium customer.
A Letter to Jordan Peterson from Lobsters
We’d like to pinch some sense into you with our deadly pincers, but we fear that this will only make you reach some new, unfathomably stupid conclusion.
Other New Policies Recently Approved By NFL Owners
Players who take, like, 20 napkins and then use, like, just two napkins and throw away the other 18 will be ejected from the game.
I Can’t Get Rid of the Sunglasses That Make Me See How Everyone Will Die Because the Cashier at 7-Eleven Complimented Them
What if I get a new pair and instead of being bitchin’ as hell, they are just bitchin’? Or worse: not bitchin’ at all.