Other New Policies Recently Approved By NFL Owners
Players who take, like, 20 napkins and then use, like, just two napkins and throw away the other 18 will be ejected from the game.
Tag: Men
I Can’t Get Rid of the Sunglasses That Make Me See How Everyone Will Die Because the Cashier at 7-Eleven Complimented Them
What if I get a new pair and instead of being bitchin’ as hell, they are just bitchin’? Or worse: not bitchin’ at all.
Dennis Rodman Worries His Friends Are Hanging Out Without Him
Honestly? I should get the Peace Prize. I started this friendship, but whatever, no one seems to care and Donny will take credit, yet again.
Thoreau’s Walden, 200 Years Later
The question is not what you look at, but what you see; and not just what you see, but what is on your Netflix “Recently Watched” list.
A Fancy Cat Writes to His Least Favorite Cat Sitter
Your caterwauling rendition of “Another One Bites the Dust” did not qualify as entertainment. The accompanying “moonwalk” was spectacularly dreadful.
Adam Duritz of Counting Crows’ New Theme Park “Round Here Land”
Talk Like Lions and Sacrifice Like Lambs. Things get a little wild in Round Here Land’s animatronic-powered “Frontier Country”!
8 Things You Should Never Say on a First Date
Negative and disgusting things you should save until at least the second date, if you're lucky enough to get that far.
An Open Letter to Greedy Los Angeles Homeowners
We are keen to invest three decades of savings into your property and excited to put in our offer after looking for the perfect teardown for so long.
Open Letter from a White Gay
Did you assume it was easy for all of us to bleach our hair two months after coming out? No. But we all did it. Every single one of us.
The Many Phones of Michael Cohen
7. Michael Cohen calls his tailors with this phone. When ordering suits he tends to use the phrase “make someone notice me, please.”
An Open Letter to the Adult Man in Target Who Decided He Didn’t Want Keebler’s Coconut Dreams
As I picked up the box of cookies, I imagined a world where everyone thought it was okay to leave items they didn’t want anymore wherever they please.
We’re Recruiting for Our Libertarian Utopia!
We had a few incidents in which some misused their legally acquired, weaponized smallpox strains, but that's a small price to pay for freedom.