The Unfortunate Consequences of My Writing During the Time of COVID-19
Banners will fly, in all major cities, bearing my image and a few of my most famous words. There are so many.
Tag: Military
You’re Still My Life Partner, Just Not My Doomsday Prepping Partner
But never did I think while I was pouring over the medicinal properties of deer antler spray, that you were shirking your prepping commitment.
How You’ll Defer the Draft Based on Your Star Sign
Aries: You’re no conformist! You’ve accepted that and so should the US government. They haven’t though, so you’ll fake your own death.
A Message from Your Friendly Neighborhood Military Industrial Complex
At only $117,000 a pop, the Hellfire II™ is perfect for when you need to make a splash without splashing too much cash.
Help Wanted for Covert Criminal Operation
Qualifications: Ability to fire one-liners and innuendo, as well as sex appeal. You don’t follow rules, but you live by your own personal code.
Narwhal Tusk Basic Training
You’re holding in your hands as sophisticated an anti-terrorist device as God in his worshipful workshop has ever devised!
Soldiers, I’m Here to Tell You Aliens Exist and They’re Mean as Hell
As it struggled, it waved General McHenry closer. It opened eyes and in its dying breath choked out, "You're not fooling anyone with that hairpiece."
I’m Julius Caesar’s Haircut, and Please Leave Me Out of This
Do not allow my legacy to be tarnished by an out-of-touch billionaire who is disseminating white supremacist content over the internet.
Why I’m Leaving Lobbying for the Rich to Lobby for the Super-Rich
I started out as just an idealistic kid with nothing more than ambition, determination, and the portfolio of Fortune 500 clients my father gave me.
Yet Another Democratic Debate Drinking Game
If Andrew Yang offers to give away more money at random, go ahead and make a pitcher of margaritas.
My Summer Internship Working for Dr. Mercurius Krunth, Mad Scientist
TIME Magazine once called Dr. Krunth, “a man mad enough to think himself a God while doing the work of the Devil.” All summer I would call him “boss.”
Military-Grade Germ Precautions to Take Against Your Highly Contagious Boyfriend
The situation has changed, soldier. You’ve shacked up with ultimate germ vector: A human male.