I’m Not Available to Save the Community Center
But I really need to keep my weekends free in case my brother gets the jet skis or NYT Cooking puts out a really bomb 12-hour stew.
Tag: Money
Why I Like the Taste of Billionaire Boots
I have to defend the rich, so that in a theoretical future where I become ultra-wealthy, I can benefit the same way they do now.
The Fundraising Bots Are Planning a Heist
George Clooney here, I’m reaching out as a supporter of the Democratic party. Your time is valuable, so I’ll be blunt. We’re going to rob a casino.
Thank You for Attending This Meeting to Address the Totally Unfounded Rumors of Layoffs That We Definitely Haven’t Had Planned for 6 Months
Take it from me, the CEO who only has your best interests at heart: There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for everything
A List of Excuses to Use If You’re a Rich Parent with a Badly Behaved Child
You think my child is a heinous sociopath because she killed your family cat? Ever heard of formaldehyde and Damien Hirst? It's called art.
I Am the Finance Director at the Car Dealership and I Welcome You into My Cramped Windowless Office
I’m here to take away, bogeyman-style, all the excitement that you had when you walked into my small windowless office of torture.
I’m Seeing Three Movies a Week with AMC Stubs and It’s Ruining My Life
But I remind Garret, for it is my duty, that an AMC Stubs subscription basically pays for itself.
Your College English Class, An Introduction to Monetizable I.P.
Students will become acquainted with works of literary importance—or as we refer to them, “leverageable assets with income producing potential.”
I May Be an Ivy League-Educated Novelist, but the Denim Work Shirt in My Author’s Photo Says I’m Working Class
Whenever the sincerity of my work is doubted, I always point to my author’s photo as evidence of a life lived.
Just Confirming Some Details of Your Flower Delivery Order
It looks from your notes that you’d like a "colony of fire ants with the vengeance of a thousand suns."
I Am Tired of the Entertainment Industry Being Populated Exclusively by Beppo Babies (People Who Grew up Eating at the Italian Chain Restaurant Buca Di Beppo)
Some people don't seem to understand how being a Beppo baby is such a big advantage in the industry.
Updated Rules for Our Town’s Annual Rubber Duck Race
No glass bottles. No breaking glass bottles. No threatening Duck Race volunteers with broken glass bottles.