Our Artisanal Tacos Are So Damn Good You’ll Happily Hand Over Your Identity as Payment
What do we do with all the identities people pay with? That’s none of your business. They were handed over in a totally legitimate transaction.
Tag: Money
A Friendly Reminder That We Still Have Your Son Held for Ransom
We appreciate you're probably busy. And trust us, we're normally never this needy in ransoms.
Is Your Life Dysfunctional or Quirky Enough to Write a Factually Disputed Memoir?
Did you grow up in a modest house, or the suburbs, or a brownstone, or a symbolically dilapidated mansion?
Dear Valued Customer: You Can’t Run from These Deals Forever
Okay, now we're starting to get mad. What kind of civilized person puts items in their shopping cart and just leaves them there?
Are You the Lady in Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven” or Are You the Lady in This Kiel James Patrick Ad?
Of this you are sure: a. All that glitters is gold b. All the apples in this bushel will make delicious cider for us to enjoy around the fireplace
Rich Orphan, Poor Orphan: Finance Tips from Charles Dickens
What if those years embroiled in a sadistic old bat’s cruel ploy to take revenge could be avoided by setting deranged convicts loose in your youth?
ACLU of Gotham Press Release Re: People v. Batman, City of Gotham PD
"I didn’t even know it was a crime. I worked down at the docks. I had no idea I was helping smuggle in the Scarecrow’s neurotoxins."
Increasingly Desperate Marketing Emails from a Start-Up Guy
As you already know from my #startupgrind Instagram posts, I’ve been hard at work on an exciting new business venture!
A Strongly Worded Email to Amazon from Me, an Evil Genius Billionaire, Because the Shark Tank Filter They Sent Me Was Broken
What do you people want from me? To jump in my bald-eagle-shaped submarine and hand-deliver it to one of your warehouses?
Apologies for Your Terrifying Retirement Calculator Experience
I was so concerned to hear that, after entering your data, you were presented with a mangled 1988 Pontiac Fiero covered in blood, shit, and fire.
You Can Do Anything You Want in Life, As Long as You Get Past the Crushing Weight of Reality
Maybe you could just be an accountant who wears a tiara and pets a teacup poodle whilst shoveling through student loan debt for the rest of her life.
So You’re Telling Me a Shrimp Fried This Rice, Stole Your Credit Card, Then Spent a Thousand Dollars at a Strip Club?
So first you met a crustacean down at the beach and the two of you “really hit it off.” Let’s unpack that a bit.