A Strongly Worded Email to Amazon from Me, an Evil Genius Billionaire, Because the Shark Tank Filter They Sent Me Was Broken
What do you people want from me? To jump in my bald-eagle-shaped submarine and hand-deliver it to one of your warehouses?
Tag: Money
Apologies for Your Terrifying Retirement Calculator Experience
I was so concerned to hear that, after entering your data, you were presented with a mangled 1988 Pontiac Fiero covered in blood, shit, and fire.
You Can Do Anything You Want in Life, As Long as You Get Past the Crushing Weight of Reality
Maybe you could just be an accountant who wears a tiara and pets a teacup poodle whilst shoveling through student loan debt for the rest of her life.
So You’re Telling Me a Shrimp Fried This Rice, Stole Your Credit Card, Then Spent a Thousand Dollars at a Strip Club?
So first you met a crustacean down at the beach and the two of you “really hit it off.” Let’s unpack that a bit.
Only You Can End This Interminable NPR Pledge Drive
It's pledge drive season here at NPR, and we're going to air some of the worst radio you’ve ever imagined until you pay us to stop.
I’ve Been Meditating Consistently for Two Weeks and I Still Haven’t Achieved Enlightenment Yet
I’m not sure what the deal is but I wanted to lodge a formal complaint. Do you have an email?
I Am the Production Accountant on This Viking TV Documentary and You’re Using Too Much Blood
While I appreciate your dedication to authenticity, it’s making our battlefields look like the aftermath of Carrie’s prom.
Before Your Band Starts Playing, We Need to Go over Some Elaborate Demands
First, it’s going to be a little bit longer than we anticipated, only about ten hours or so, but that includes some breaks!
Create Your Own Fiscal New Year’s Eve Rom-Com
“On fiscal new year’s eve, there’s no accounting for love.”
This Is PayPal, Informing You That Your Account May Be Compromised
Have you been getting some emails that seem Phishy? This is PayPal, btw. The real PayPal. How can you know? You’ll get a gut feeling inside.
Empress Sq’ree-XII’s Favorite Things
I honestly don’t know what I did before I conquered the Choff Quadrant and seized their Time Hex, sending them into a thousand years of chaotic darkness.
Living My Best Life on My Terms, Per Your Restraining Order
I respect the State of California’s 100-yard rule, and I value precision, which is why I bought one hundred yardsticks at Home Depot.