I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore if I’m Not Receiving and Ignoring Election Emails
I am in the wrong house. Where are the 17 pieces of paper asking me to vote Jackie F to help save the environment?
Tag: Money
Jesus Applies for Unemployment
"When was the last time you worked?" Well, technically, as the Messiah, I am always working. But as a carpenter, I worked about three months ago.
Plunderstone Capital Is Thrilled to Have Purchased Your Local High School
My role is basically the same as that of a principal except I don’t know how to run a school and I own 15% of its graduates’ earnings in perpetuity.
Kendall Roy’s Letter to the Waystar Royco Board about His Three-Thousandth Vote of No Confidence
I was last seen breaking into Madison Square Garden and jamming out to Blueprint where I fell asleep with a bleezie and burnt the building down.
Trying to Network at an Orgy
Can you introduce me to any shadowy figures who run the government here?
11 Money Moves Every Six-Year-Old Needs to Make Today
Fund your retirement account - The best time to start investing is when you’re born. The second best time is when you’re completely potty-trained.
17 Financial Terms Redefined for COVID Times
Liquidity: How many glasses of wine Mommy will need before she can help with fifth grade math.
A Correspondence Between an Enterprising Engineer and the Chicago World’s Fair Commission of 1893
I call my contraption "Four Score and Seven Thrills Ago: Honest Abe’s Adventures in American Aviation." I look forward to hearing from you!
We, the Deep State, Concede That All Your Conspiracy Theories Are True
In 1960 at our Annual Goat Blood-A-Palooza & Family Fun Day, we saw a vision of you, the chosen one. We’ve been trying to sabotage you ever since.
I Am Your Third-Party Vendor, and I Will Fulfill All Your Needs
The minute you opted for the Pomegranate Margarita, gave your credit card to your "date," and said, "this round's on me," you entered my domain.
Memo to Staff: It’s the Apocalypse, But That Doesn’t Mean It’s the End of the World
Tragic for sure. Indeed, many of you have asked what impact the end of the world will have on your 401(k) match.
I’ll Hold the Torch During This Treasure Hunt Because I’m Thoughtful
Before we go any further down this musty tunnel hunting for the Lost Amulet of Christopher Columbus, let's establish something: I'm Torch Guy.