My Brutally Honest Cover Letter for the Cupcake Deliverer Role
The cover letter is the most recycled paper item in the world; what you’re reading is a repurposed version of one that I sent to Whole Foods.
Tag: Money
Great-Great-Grandma Mathilda’s Recipe for Eating the Rich
Ingredients: 1 billionaire, appropriately beaten; Kosher salt; Fresh herbs / Serves: 99% of the population, when divided equally.
How to Appear Woke While Improving Corporate Sales
Post on Instagram to both notify the public of your shared sentiment on their struggle while promoting Domino’s new $7.99 carryout special.
In These Difficult Times, Bank of America Is Here to Help You Pay Us the Money You Owe Us
One thing you don't have to worry about is how much money you owe us, because we keep track of the exact amount so you don't have to.
I’m Just a Man Who Believes in Breakfast Pizza
Subject: History WILL NOT be kind to the man who ignored breakfast pizza. Not gonna lie, Rob. Reallllly feel like you’re blowing it here.
My Unique Vision for Your Home’s Exterior
Painting that house took a lot of effort and expense. Despite all I went through to realize an artistic vision, that client has refused to pay.
Itemized Police Budget Report for June 2020
Bespoke Tom Ford rapid response tactical outerwear - $475,000 / “Good cop, bad cop” improv lessons - $36,000 / Body camera software updates - $3.50
Rules of “Post-Grad Life: The Board Game”
-You failed an interview. Move back a square -You found an unpaid internship. Move forward 3 squares -But you did not get hired. Move back 3 squares
HBO Now vs. HBO Max vs. HBO Run: What’s the Difference?
Wait, HBO Run is just Run? HBO Run has a wide catalog to explore. From old classics like the premiere of Run to newer hits like the finale of Run.
A Wallet Laments Getting No Ass in Quarantine
Week after week, the routine never varies. Tim wakes up, reaches for idiotic iPhone, eats Cheez-Its, and sits on his sweet ass without me.
Dear Men Who Have Discovered Parenting Is Hard and Are Being Paid to Write About It
As for the accusations of exploiting your children for money, well, times are tough and you need to provide however you can during this uncertainty.
Is Age Really Just a Number?
I reached my biblical allotment of three score and ten. I am, as St. Paul wrote in his second letter to the Corinthians, “playing with house money.”