Dear Hiker Who Was Totally Pulling Off a Neckerchief
Do neckerchiefs not itch against your perfect scruff? Who decides that your face fur should stay at a golden quarter inch?
Tag: Money
The Summer Spotify Playlist Your Therapist Made for You
"Someone New" by Hozier - Listen, I KNOW we put your love life on hold for the last three appointments but think of it as a fun little game.
Slack Thread About Betsy Ross’ New Flag Design
>Were all of the stakeholders of our young nation truly involved in the process for developing this? >What if the stars were blue on a white background? >>>>Stars aren’t blue. C’mon, be real! >>>>They should be silver, then.
Thank You for Your Grace in Accepting My Debit Card, Though My Purchase was Below the Card Minimum
I reached for my wallet and peeled back its innards in vain, knowing well and good I was, in fact, cashless.
Strong Female Leads I Could Absolutely Destroy at Arm Wrestling
Critics and moviegoers alike were enamored by Amy Adams’s "Arrival," but Amy should be fearing my arrival should she agree to face off arm vs. arm.
I Am an ICE Guard and I Sleep Very Well Through My Night Terrors, Thank You
Knowing that I did my part to separate a four-year-old from his mother with no plan or intent to reunite them, I can nod off shortly after vomiting.
Yes, Chick-fil-A is Totally Evil—But on the Other Hand, Waffle Fries
Who could possibly resist the siren song of a factory-farmed chicken breast wedged between two nondescript slices of bread? Plus a pickle?!
An Open Letter to the “Pay It Forward” Person at the Drive-Thru
Being a happy-go-lightly, vacant soul, you’re probably wondering why I didn’t use that fistful of dollars to pay for the order of the guy behind me.
Identifying Fauxpreneurs in the Wild
Fauxpreneurs believe if you’re not on the ‘gram, you will never become a unicorn. Look for at least three pictures per day showing her “hustling."
Hostage Emails From My Brother’s Kidnappers
I want to complement the kidnappers’ willingness to take down all of Larry’s dictation. That’s very considerate for kidnappers. He’s lucky.
This Fleece Vest is the Only Thing That Warms My Cold Capitalist Heart
I am dead-frozen inside, and this fleece vest is the only thing that holds my cold capitalist heart at a temperature resembling warm-blooded life.
Mr. Peanut Addresses His 23andMe Results
For years you’ve trusted me as the man/peanut hybrid from uncertain origins who loved one thing and one thing alone: selling Planter’s Peanuts.