Incomplete Drafts of My Cover Letter for a Summer Internship
Dear Joan, I looked up your name on LinkedIn---because that’s how much I care about this job. I seriously need you to hire me.
Tag: Money
Missed Connections: Millennials and an Affordable Housing Market
“Yo, it’s me: the brand-new condo that sits on the same lot that rent-controlled housing used to be on."
Blue Apron Continued to Deliver Me Food While I Disappeared From Thanos’ “Snap”
And you charged me for all of it?! That’s over $15,000! Listen, I’m not made of that Tony Stark money
New Employee Handbook for the Public Pool Snack Bar
All lifeguards are entitled to one free snack per day. In exchange, all snack bar employees are entitled to one free rescue per day. Make it count.
Modern Male Authors Rework Literary Classics by Women
"A Room of One’s Own" by Stieg Larsson: But, you may say, we asked you to speak about women who don’t take any shit and the stories they tell
Twelve New Career Ideas for Student Loan Collectors If Elizabeth Warren Becomes President
Finally, you can be the cafeteria worker whose job it is to take lunches away from elementary schoolers who forget to bring their lunch money.
Beto’s Response to Andrew Yang’s Skate-Off Challenge
What are you gonna do next, wear Vans to a fundraiser? Actually, don’t do that, I’m calling dibs, homie.
Supreme Announces Collab With the Double-Jointed Gene
The LabelMan ™ is covered in the logos of Off-White, Palace, and Gucci. Destroying him is possible only through consistent slashing of one’s credit card.
I’m the Person Ahead of You in Line to Order Food
I see that people are putting the so-called food into their mouths. Can you tell me what that's like? How does it feel when it's inside your mouth?
Hi! I’m Calling About Your Student Loan Payments, You Fucking Deadbeat Loser!
Are able to pay today? No? That seems crazy to us, because money falls out of the sky and everybody wins the lottery at least twice a year.
Let’s Rebuild Our Infrastructure, U.S.A.-Style
If I were overseeing this initiative, I’d start with building more “natural” wonders. People seem to love lakes, mountains and caverns, right?
Ransom Note From a Kidnapper Who Just Took a Creative Writing Class
We stormed into your backyard like Viking hordes, and heaved your precious boy into a burlap sack, the rough fibers scratching his tousled hair.