Let’s Rebuild Our Infrastructure, U.S.A.-Style
If I were overseeing this initiative, I’d start with building more “natural” wonders. People seem to love lakes, mountains and caverns, right?
Tag: Money
Ransom Note From a Kidnapper Who Just Took a Creative Writing Class
We stormed into your backyard like Viking hordes, and heaved your precious boy into a burlap sack, the rough fibers scratching his tousled hair.
Shady Hills Youth Soccer Club’s U-8 Girls Team is Not Meant to Be Fun
A 6-2 record with one game left? With five players training at Elite, we should be undefeated. Heck, we should shut out every team in this league.
How I Snowplowed My Utterly Unmagical Child’s Way into the Most Prestigious School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Paying muggle coach to lie about child’s participation in West Coast quidditch team California Dobbys.
RE: The Restless Dead Haunting the Office
Could we reschedule our 3:00? A rift between this world and the next has opened in the conference room, and we can’t hear client calls over the endless torture of the damned.
My Healthcare Plan is to Be Buried in an Ancient Pet Cemetery
I've been informed me that the "sour ground" is the result of eldritch horrors, but in today's economy, you have to play the cards you're dealt.
Thank You for Calling the IRS, Please Listen Closely, As Our Menu Options Have Changed
For questions regarding payment, please press X, where X is the gas mileage of a Sherman Tank, plus the hands visible in Da Vinci's The Last Supper.
Ideas for Mending Your Relationship with the IRS after Being Caught Cheating on Taxes
Remind the IRS of simpler tax days. Create an apology collage out of all the old receipts you filed when you first entered the workforce.
Congratulations on the Birth of Your Child, That Will Be $765,047.04
Thank you for using America’s Health Care, Inc. If we do not receive payment within 14 days, we will escalate to an even more sternly worded letter.
I Am Ben Affleck’s Back Tattoo
I need to be moistened. I must stay moist. Look at me upside down and I become the illustrated narrative of Ben’s epic friendship with Matt Damon
How to Lift Your Glutes Without Squats
Take Time To Ideate: Commune with your butt on the shape and altitude you’d like to achieve together.
Master Template for Every Championship Sports Interview Ever Given
"I set a goal [NUMBER OF YEARS THE TEAM HAS BEEN TERRIBLE] ago and I was determined to give it [CLICHÉ FROM MOTIVATIONAL KITTEN CALENDAR]."