It Takes More Muscles to Frown Than to Smile, and Even More Muscles to Lift This Vending Machine Off Me
I’d be willing to bet it takes dozens of muscles in the arms, legs, and torso to lift this soda machine off of my shattered body.
Tag: Money
Is This Blockchain?
Is blockchain when you’re constipated because you ate too many quarters? Is blockchain a European architectural trend?
Thoreau’s Walden, 200 Years Later
The question is not what you look at, but what you see; and not just what you see, but what is on your Netflix “Recently Watched” list.
The Newest Trend in Real Estate is Sprawling Victorian Estates
Have fun cooking on your one-burner stove. I’m spit-roasting an entire side of beef that’s been marinating for 3 weeks in Cab Sav.
The Many Phones of Michael Cohen
7. Michael Cohen calls his tailors with this phone. When ordering suits he tends to use the phrase “make someone notice me, please.”
Ranking the 2018 Kentucky Derby Horses by Name
9. Vino Rosso (12-1) – Means "red wine" in Italian and "try-hard" in English.
A Brief History of the Metric System
One pound is equal to 7000 grains of barley. Yep, barley. Grains of wheat is a different calculation. And why 7000? Hey, it’s your system, don’t look at me.
Truthful Alumni Magazine Class Notes
Juan Baerga, ‘10, has only ever used what he learned from his $160,000 engineering degree in determining which piece to remove in Jenga.
Armie Hammer’s Rehab Clinic for Actors Who Had to Dance on Film Once
My therapy center is called "Hammer Out Your Dance Demons," and is funded exclusively by me and by none of my family’s $200+ million fortune.
How to Tell If Your Pain Advocacy Group is Actually Run By the Makers of OxyContin
An evening workshop is held in a dark alley by "pain management specialists" in Purdue Pharmaceutical shirts, menacingly brandishing baseball bats.
How to Sell Your Smoky Beanie Baby Collection, According to My Aunt Connie, A Non-Smoker
Go back to Wawa to demand they stop selling cigarettes to your Beanie Babies after you catch Splash the Killer Whale with a carton of Pall Malls.
Some Plausible Reasons Why Scott Pruitt Might Hate Nature So Much
He's always asleep during both sunrise and sunset, so he's never seen one before. Doesn't get what the big deal is.