Nice One, Dipshit! You Hurt Your Dentist’s Feelings by Saying Teeth are “Just Okay”
Your dentist is crying in the corner of the room and refusing to finish fixing those busted-up, tic-tac-lookin’ mother effers that you call teeth.
Tag: Money
New Economy Seating Options at United Airlines
Our Economy Basic passengers are seated in a section of the plane teeming with luxury-hungry wolves, starving for cherished Basic ticket-holders.
Why Buy a New Car When You Can Still Cruise in Your High School Clunker?
Now I know smart car person phrases like, “you can tell the water pump is going out when you press the radio button and water squirts out.”
Leprechaun Stockbroker Innis McFreigh Likes Gold
Historically (more for you than for me as I'm hundreds of years old), gold values increase during dips in international trade.
An Open Letter to My Parents Who are Forcing Me to Be an Amateur Standup Comedian When I Just Want to Work in Human Resources
Even though I am pursuing a stable career in human resources, please remember that I will always be your emotionally underdeveloped and insecure son.
I am Unemployed and My Girlfriend is Starting to Notice
You're a 31-year-old seventh grader living with the love of your life, and you're so unemployed it hurts. These tricks will keep your partner at bay.
What Am I Supposed to Do with a Ventriloquist Dummy That’s NOT Haunted?
After buying a creepy antique doll, I was extremely disappointed to find out that there is nothing supernatural lurking behind its dead eyes.
Was Being Transported to King Arthur’s Court and Charged With Saving Camelot Really the Best Way to Learn Self-Confidence or Whatever?
Couldn't you just sit me down and teach me whatever lesson it is you're going for like a normal wizard mentor? Without the near-fatal experiences?
How H&R Cockblock Saved My Taxes and Stole My Woman
Somehow I just couldn't stay pissed off at frat guy. He was my tax wingman, even though he totally killed my self-esteem.
New York City Pizzerias Rated by How Good They Are for Hiding from Your Ex-Wife Trying to Collect Her Alimony Check
If you can shirk you financial responsibilities to your ex-wife here, you can shirk your financial responsibilities to your ex-wife anywhere.
Five Moves the Trump Administration Should Have Made at the NBA Trade Deadline
Add Kyrie Irving's ball handling skills to his Betsy Devos-level production (from a disbelief in modern science standpoint), and you've got a title contender.
Gwyneth Paltrow’s Valentine’s Day Essentials
With the smell of Elmer's glue and viscosity of frozen molasses, Ghost Lube by Karl Lagerfeld is a must-have at a mere $4,500 per bottle.