Armie Hammer’s Rehab Clinic for Actors Who Had to Dance on Film Once
My therapy center is called "Hammer Out Your Dance Demons," and is funded exclusively by me and by none of my family’s $200+ million fortune.
Tag: Money
How to Tell If Your Pain Advocacy Group is Actually Run By the Makers of OxyContin
An evening workshop is held in a dark alley by "pain management specialists" in Purdue Pharmaceutical shirts, menacingly brandishing baseball bats.
How to Sell Your Smoky Beanie Baby Collection, According to My Aunt Connie, A Non-Smoker
Go back to Wawa to demand they stop selling cigarettes to your Beanie Babies after you catch Splash the Killer Whale with a carton of Pall Malls.
Some Plausible Reasons Why Scott Pruitt Might Hate Nature So Much
He's always asleep during both sunrise and sunset, so he's never seen one before. Doesn't get what the big deal is.
Alternatives to “No Tip” on Touchscreen Checkout Machines
"I’m fiscally conservative in Q1" or maybe just a simple ":(" ?
We are the Early Gentrifiers of This Neighborhood and We are Pissed!
Before you arrived, there was a vibrant community of immigrants from a country in Eastern Europe whose name is escaping me at the moment.
Nice One, Dipshit! You Hurt Your Dentist’s Feelings by Saying Teeth are “Just Okay”
Your dentist is crying in the corner of the room and refusing to finish fixing those busted-up, tic-tac-lookin’ mother effers that you call teeth.
New Economy Seating Options at United Airlines
Our Economy Basic passengers are seated in a section of the plane teeming with luxury-hungry wolves, starving for cherished Basic ticket-holders.
Why Buy a New Car When You Can Still Cruise in Your High School Clunker?
Now I know smart car person phrases like, “you can tell the water pump is going out when you press the radio button and water squirts out.”
Leprechaun Stockbroker Innis McFreigh Likes Gold
Historically (more for you than for me as I'm hundreds of years old), gold values increase during dips in international trade.
An Open Letter to My Parents Who are Forcing Me to Be an Amateur Standup Comedian When I Just Want to Work in Human Resources
Even though I am pursuing a stable career in human resources, please remember that I will always be your emotionally underdeveloped and insecure son.
I am Unemployed and My Girlfriend is Starting to Notice
You're a 31-year-old seventh grader living with the love of your life, and you're so unemployed it hurts. These tricks will keep your partner at bay.