Sometimes My Desert Island Lair Also Doubles as a Waterpark
What, you’re surprised? Remote lairs and underground redoubts do not pay for themselves.
Tag: Money
Final Bill for Those Concert Tickets You Ordered Online
Service Charge USD $1.60 x 3 | Service Fee USD $2.30 x 3 | Self Service Fee USD $3.90 | Order Manufacturing Fee USD $4.75
Shit! I’m Getting Sued by Barenaked Ladies Again
Why do Barenaked Ladies’ experienced lawyers continue sending me documents entitled “SLIP AND FALL LAWSUIT, THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOUR BAND”?
Introducing Men 2, the Gender for Men
Finally. A gender for men. Man 2 isn’t your GRANDMOTHER’S GENDER. Or your grandfather’s, strictly speaking.
How to Wash Your Wool Blanket in 10 Simple Steps
The wool fibers prefer an east-to-west cross-breeze coming from a north- and south-facing window.
Addressing Your Concerns About Me, Your Town’s New Superhero
No, this is not my superhero outfit. Just once you get used to Spandex it’s hard to go back to restrictive dockers.
If the IRS Wrote Thank You Notes
We wanted to let you know how deeply we were moved by your generous mandatory contribution. 30% of your base income… It was just what we wanted!
Have You Even Lived?
Eaten an Oreo without twisting it open and gnawing out the cream; just bit right into that motherfucker.
When You Shop My Balloon Bouquet Small Business Where I Blow Every Single Balloon by Mouth, You’re Supporting Real People
All mouth-blown, no helium balloon pumps allowed! And when I say “we,” I really mean just me.
I’m an Hermés Sales Associate, and You Need to Get the Fuck Out
We are here to serve scorn and derision, and able to discern the net worth of patrons with a half-second, contemptful glance.
My Day as an Intern, as Imagined by My Exceedingly Optimistic Parents
12:30 PM, reads the Faberge Egg clock the CFO gifted me for having such a good PSAT score.
Mom, Can You Come Pick Me Up? The Guys Registered Another Offshore Financial Subsidiary in My Name
I nodded off for like two seconds and woke up to fresh ink stains on my fingers, and a notary public closing his briefcase and heading out the door.